Harry Potter: Witchcraft

Snape's version: Poisoning people, driving out ghosts, chasing zombies: so this is what Lily's little troll has been doing for the past two years instead of going to Hogwarts! And he says he already asked his dead parents about it? Damn you, James Potter! Did you forget to take your brain with you when you died!? When told he had to go back to Hogwarts: "My little guy can already do most things magic can do. Why does he still need to study?" When he found out he was a Horcrux, he was stunned: "Hey! That's a masterpiece! I'd rather be a Horcrux than die to a boring Avada Kedavra." After Snape confiscated the pile of horrifying contraband in his possession: "Snape! You unfaithful bastard! I told you everything, and this is how you treat me!" (Runs off crying in front of everyone.) Merlin! If there's really such a thing as divine punishment, hurry up and send down a bolt of lightning to strike me dead! Harry's version: Waaaaah~~~ I just got to Hogwarts today, and I've already lost both a person (a little guy) and my money (gold paper). I was wrong. Men really can't be trusted. From now on, I'll listen to Mum. (In a letter...) Wei Mum: Harry, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you so many stories about unfaithful men. Heng Dad: Sigh, Harry, teaching you Chinese for five years feels like teaching a complete failure. CP: SS/HP, another pairing will be introduced as the story develops. To be clear: the story itself is absolutely not as cheerful as this blurb! The author is a beginner, the writing is average, there is a lot of rambling, the research is unreliable, and the characters may be out of character. The romance is slow-burn. Please bear with me~