Shi Yulanxi (Musings)

"The endless rain hid the passing of spring; only when the skies cleared did I realize how deep into summer we were." I heard this line for the first time by chance while scrolling through videos. At the time, I thought the character for "lian" meant "to pity," and I wondered: Why pity? Was it pity for spring as it slipped away, pity for the rain that didn't know spring had gone, or pity for the spring rain itself?

I had no answer. Later, I looked it up online and learned that it meant "continuous," not "to pity." I suddenly realized that I was the one feeling pity. That's why I'd instinctively thought of the other character.

Even so, I couldn't explain what I was pitying. Later, I thought perhaps it was the spring rain, those showers that didn't even know spring had left. Then I tried to comfort myself: Rather than saying the rain didn't know spring had gone, perhaps the spring breeze had simply scattered it. Isn't there a poem that says, "It slips in with the wind at night, moistening all things without a sound"? Thinking of it that way, I felt much clearer.

But when I looked back after a long time, I realized I had been pitying myself all along. "O flying light, flying light, I urge you to drink a cup of wine. I know not how high the azure sky, how deep the yellow earth. I see only the moon grow cold and the sun grow warm, while they consume our lives."

Back then, on a whim, I opened this page and tossed in a few things without understanding any of it. Later, I thought what I'd written was complete gibberish, so I shut it away early, sure I probably wouldn't return here.

Now one year, two years, three years have passed, and my heart has not stayed the same.

I look back at myself, bit by bit, frame by frame, reflecting on every word. I wish I could pick apart every last detail and find something wrong with it.

Only after exhausting myself, lying awake night after night, sitting motionless on my bed with no thought left in me, did I finally realize, after all that self-examination, that from the very beginning, I had meant "to pity." And so, once again, I managed to rescue myself from the brink.

"Eat bear and grow fat; eat frog and grow thin. Where is the divine lord? Where is Taiyi? In the east stands the Ruomu tree, and below it coils the candle-bearing dragon. I shall cut off the dragon's feet and chew its flesh, so that morning cannot return and night cannot descend. Then the old will never die, and the young will never weep. Why take gold pills or swallow white jade? Who is like Lord Ren, riding a blue donkey through the clouds?"

Then:

Hide from Heaven's will, evade cause and effect; all kinds of shackles confine my true self. Follow Heaven's will, accept cause and effect; only today do I know who I am. Awaken to the Way and see my true self; why fear the shackles of the past? The world's shackles are only a dream, without form, without shape, and without a self.

And finally:

Heaven's movement is vigorous; the noble one strives without cease. Earth's nature is receptive; the noble one bears all things with great virtue.

Theme: "O flying light, flying light, I urge you to drink a cup of wine."