Deep Blue

It's winter break, and I finally have some time. I plan to turn some ideas I've had into a novel, but I've abandoned them halfway several times because I was too lazy to finish. This time, I'm definitely going to stick with it.

Synopsis: Chen Lan's birth was a mistake, and that mistake went on for a long time. He watched his father leave, his younger brother die, his mother go insane, and the person he loved get married. Later, the person he loved died, and he went to prison. By the time he finally got out, the world outside had changed beyond recognition. He no longer fit in, as if he really were a mistake. He went alone to the seaside. It seemed he could see the person he loved out there, in the deep blue. There was nothing there, only him and the one he loved. He walked into the sea and drowned in love.

I always thought desire was the most terrifying thing. But growing up taught me that what is terrifying isn't desire, but emotions repressed for too long and the shock of falling from great heights. They leave your heart feeling empty, and when it's empty, you need something to fill it. Without love, all you have is desire. But desire can't fill the void of loss. It only makes your heart more fragile, until it shatters.

Content warnings: Bad ending. Neither the top nor the bottom is sexually inexperienced. The characters are all unlikeable: the top is selfish, the bottom is cowardly, and this is an angsty story with rather questionable values that also contains sexual assault. It's very melodramatic and very tragic. The author's mental state is poor, so the characters' mental states aren't great either.

I hope I can finish it.

Note: After putting this on hold, I plan to start writing it again. I'll delete the chapters I wrote before. I'll work hard to write, and I hope I can stick with it.

Theme: People slowly turn into the very kind of person they once hated most.