The Last Light of Sunset

Also, the heroine said, "Humph, is it useful to say this now?" I suggest you change it to a sneer, such as "Ha! Is it useful to say this now?" It's more realistic. The "hum" is more like coquettishness. My suggestion is that you can change the dialogue in the introduction. In fact, there is no problem with anything else.

The dialogue in the introduction is a bit like that of a primary school student. You can write "Brother, don't jump..." Don't use this ~ symbol, it will sound like a primary school student.