Want Some Happy Fatty Water?

Zhong Leyu spat out a mouthful of liquid that reeked of mud. It was pitch-black, had no bubbles at all, and was sitting in a cola bottle. What the hell, whose prank was this? What the hell is this stuff? Where's my ice-cold cola? A certain ghost gulped down the refreshing, delicious iced cola. Holy crap, what kind of heavenly flavor is this? Has the water of the Yellow Springs gotten this good lately? Give me another couple of gulps! Director of the Underworld Affairs Office: "A thousand-year-old fox demon causing chaos among mortals has appeared in the south of the city. Where's Zhong Leyu? Send him to deal with it." Staff member: "Director, he's at the South City Middle School, selling Yellow Springs brand Happy Otaku Water. I have to say, it tastes better and better lately." Director: "...Then have him deal with the fox demon while he's there. And save me some." Underling ghost: "Boss, where are we going to punish evil and uphold justice today?" Zhong Leyu: "South City Middle School. There's bound to be a market there!" Underling ghost: My boss used to be a useless shut-in. Ever since he accidentally drank his deskmate's beverage, he somehow became the Dao of Heaven's favorite son. The Dao of Heaven, his daddy, gave him a big responsibility, but it seems like something in his brain broke. Zhong Leyu: All I ever wanted was to be a useless shut-in. But the Dao of Heaven insists on shoving a business opportunity at me. What can I do? Obviously, get rich! (A story about a bunch of underlings who want their boss to preserve peace among the three realms, while their boss only wants to make Yellow Springs brand Happy Otaku Water a household name.) My next no-romance novel: "Bro, Want Your Fortune Told?" One-line premise: Fortune-telling is the only way to make a living. Novel blurb: Xie Qi has no family connections and no education. All he has is his talent for fortune-telling. From feng shui for homes, to good luck in romance, to palmistry, face reading, and divination, he can do it all, and he's always accurate. With his fortune-telling skills, Xie Qi can make a living each month, and a big client can keep him comfortable for several more months. But he's a fortune-teller, not a doctor! What good does it do for all you Underworld ghosts to come to me with colds and the flu? Wait, how can you still catch colds and the flu when you're already dead? Ghost One: "Master, that's not important. Just give me a talisman to soak in water." Xie Qi stared blankly as the ghost gulped down the talisman water in one go, then let out a satisfied belch. Ghost One: "Ah, that's better." Xie Qi looked up at the line that stretched to the corner of the street. "Are all the ghosts in the Underworld this ferocious?!" A little Underworld skit: Ghost Two: "Ah, Master Xie's talisman water is amazing. One gulp and my back stopped hurting, and my legs stopped aching." Ghost Three: "Exactly! It even cured my three-hundred-year-old sore throat." Ghost Four: "That's nothing. Master Xie's talisman water even cured my wife's infertility!" Ghosts Two and Three: "Emmmmm... Master Xie's talisman water really does cure every illness."