The Road Through the Jianghu of Gossip

The Demonic Cult Leader said, "I alone reign supreme beneath the heavens. I ought to be content, but my wife refuses to obey me, and I am deeply troubled. I urgently need a way to make her more compliant. I hope you will help ease my burden." Ruoxuan: "Idiot, speak like a normal person!" The Demonic Cult Leader: "Honey, I was wrong QAQ" The Martial Alliance Leader said, "For days I have worried and fretted until my scalp nearly split. If I ask my parents for help, being interrogated would be the least of my worries. The real danger is getting beaten with a stick. I am so anxious I can hardly bring myself to speak. Tossing and turning, a thought has suddenly occurred to me: at present, only you can help me out of this urgent predicament. I hope you will understand and forgive me. I am short of funds today. Could you lend me a little?" Ruoxuan: "Bro, speak like a normal person!" The Martial Alliance Leader: "Buddy, I'm broke. Lend me some money _(:з"∠)_" Everyone said, "Look at this young man: handsome, dignified, talented and accomplished, with peerless martial arts, dragon brows and phoenix eyes, a dragon's might and a swallow's jaw, a fine bearing and a handsome face... (Countless more idioms omitted here.) He is surely an ideal match. If you could join with him in marriage, it would be your great fortune." Ruoxuan: "You lot! Speak like normal people!!" Everyone said, "When you meet a good man, just marry him." Ruoxuan: "Somebody get me my medicine!" (Please don't fact-check the classical Chinese above. After all, I'm not a humanities student, I'm an arts-and-sports student. I spent class drawing back then _(:з"∠)_) PS: 1. This blurb has been revised over and over, and this is the final version. 2. This isn't a traditional wuxia story. It's a ridiculously silly story full of gossip. 3. There is no big boss and no dark plot. There are, however, plenty of idiots. 4. If you like the blurb, please leave a paw print and add it to your collection. Mwah!