The story of a frail brother-obsessed girl who works hard to make her way in the world.
At their very first meeting, Niou Masaharu decided they were kindred spirits,
then bluntly dubbed him the "dyed-hair boy."
From that day on, he was on the point of no return: becoming Niou's best friend...
But who says best friends can only share an innocent friendship?
You can still bring your best friend home.
"Ha! I'll never admit that Niou Masaharu is my boyfriend!" - Sato Yukiko
So, Niou,
you still have a very, very long way to go...
The heroine isn't a Mary Sue or a naive airhead, and I've decided that Niou will be the male lead. If you like it, please add it to your favorites as encouragement for me. If you don't, feel free to click the X. Everyone has different tastes, after all. P.S. I've started updating daily, and I definitely won't abandon this story. O(∩_∩)O
My new story is up: Kuroko's Basketball meets The Prince of Tennis, pairing Akashi Seijuro with an original male lead. Come check it out!
Theme:
The death of the heroine's brother was so unjust, and the hospital was also at fault!
Feng is really pitiful to be entangled with such a girl. However, no normal person would like such a girl. Her personality is too annoying.
Okay, delete my comment.
Wangwangwen has a relatively large audience in Japanese comics, but it is not easy to stand out among the many fans of the same type.
There are certain deficiencies in the basic framework and settings of the author's article, so the deficiencies mean that the author can also improve his own level and the quality of the article.
First of all, this article now has more than 50,000 words. Generally, the first 30,000 words in a novel should have a standard direction and clear goal and be described in this direction. However, the author is still writing about the daily life of the heroine, and feels that there is nothing useful in each chapter to attract the readers' attention. , Usually it is the interaction between the heroine and her friends, and occasionally other people appear, but it is really just a passerby walking around in front of the reader's eyes, and it looks like "what did I do today, who did I meet, what else do I have to do tomorrow, I should go to bed early" and this kind of non-nutritious. So this also shows that this article is too strong in daily style and too strong in running account style.
The plot setting is very confusing, and there is no good main line, so it seems to be written wherever it comes to mind. For example, at the beginning, the heroine's friend confesses to Feng, then the heroine makes up for the physical education test, then there is the practice match between the Hyotei Women's Tennis Team and the Rikkai Women's Tennis Team, and the heroine goes to the hospital to visit Megumi Asakawa. These plots should have been written in detail, or not The plot can be expanded slightly, but the author's pace in plot description is too fast. Many times, several plots can be seen in one chapter, and the transition is very fast. For example, when the original characters in Net King appear, they say goodbye in a few words, and then say goodbye in a few words. Many people wander around in front of them, but they can't leave any impression, and they don't know the meaning of letting them come out. It seems that I chose to write this way just to let them appear. It is too deliberate.
The heroine is set to be a brother-controller who is good at fighting, good at tennis but poor in physical strength, and can study well. However, the heroine's brother is no longer here. If you want to control her, you must have a physical goal. The book is called Brother-controller Diary. So if I am a reader of this article, I will subconsciously think that the brother-controller is the protagonist. The line and direction, but the content of the article is different from this perception, not to mention that Brother-sama is not the male protagonist. As the author, if I name this article, it will not lock the plot entirely on the title. There seems to be no appropriate way to deviate from the theme, and it will make people feel that the article is not on topic.
Secondly, until I finished reading these 50,000 words, I still couldn't tell whether this article was about friendship or romance. Who is the male protagonist? Is it written as Nioh in the copy? But Nioh appeared obviously late. He only has a few words in the story, and the dialogue flows across a computer screen. His presence is basically replaced by the heroine's friend Sato, who takes up almost two-thirds of the entire story.
Speaking of Sato, at first her personality was too strong and more prominent than the heroine's personality, so it was very easy to be misunderstood that she was the real heroine.
The first chapter is about Sato confessing his love to Houchotaro. After being rejected, her character suddenly changed into a fierce and savage woman. Even when she forced others to have a relationship in the later chapters, she was so domineering and authoritarian, so her character was more distinct. On the contrary, as the heroine, Yuki is relatively weak. Her unique personality is not well demonstrated, and she does not have a particularly lovable feeling. She does not leave a deep impression on people. It's like these two people have switched the identities of the heroines and reversed their roles.
Finally, the main text now covers two people's side stories. I don't know if there are other people's side stories later in the article, but just like what the author said in his words, I don't understand what he wants to write. In fact, I don't quite understand the meaning of writing this way. Initially, the heroine's brother existed in her memories, but his role was relatively insignificant, so writing about this person in an extra chapter would feel very abrupt and there was no need to exist. The same goes for Sato's side story. After all, she is not the heroine, so there is really no need to write about her in extra side stories, which will take up chapters and words, and it will also feel like this paragraph is insignificant.
There is not a strong connection between chapters. Generally speaking, if you want to write an attractive plot, you have to spend effort to create an appetizing plot. I feel that the author is not good at breaking chapters and cannot grasp the key points. Therefore, more efforts are needed here.
Now let's talk about the little details:
1. The author should pay attention to the logic. Let's take a logical problem that appeared at the beginning of the chapter. After Sato Yukiko was rejected by Houchotaro, she kicked a tree in annoyance, and then wrote that she stepped on a chair. Because Yuki had to make up for the physical education exam, she lay weakly on the desk. Later, when the bell rang, she returned to her seat to go to class... Why is there a big tree in the class? It's so inconsistent.
For another example, if you ask Feng for tutoring in sports, it will only be about physical training. Tutoring is also based on running. You can also train by yourself. Even if it is to create opportunities for Sato and Feng, this is a bit far-fetched. You still have to pay attention to rationality when creating the plot.
2. There are a lot of small plots. It is best to set a large framework when writing a text, and then slowly add plots into it. The so-called skeleton is sound and the flesh is full, so that it can not only have a sense of picture but also create cute points.
3. Neither the characters in the original work nor the original characters are particularly stable, that is, they are a bit broken. Personally, I still hope that the character of the original character can be maintained in the fanfic. I need to do more research and speculation before writing. In fact, Sanada is not a talkative person. He is cold and cold. Tachibana may give people the impression of being a little distant, so he still feels a little awkward when he takes the initiative to say hello or close the distance in a less obvious way.
The heroine's character is not particularly stable, ranging from gentle to a bit Vino, to ruthless and unrelenting in fights, and her inconsistency is quite large. Coupled with her sunny and cheerful attitude when chatting with Niou, it is difficult to judge her personality.
4. I feel that since the author set up the female tennis club, the events should be described in the respective competitions, otherwise what is the use of writing about the competitions. Personally, I still like the plot of the competition. After all, the King of Nets is a sports fan, and he can't always wear the cloak of Xiao Yan. The plot of the competition will still make people excited. Of course, it depends on how it is written. However, this is also my personal opinion. Others are left to the author's own discretion.
5. To be honest, when I saw the copy, I thought this article was going to develop towards Lily, but the copy saw that the direction of this article was very vague and suggested revisions.
All in all, this article was not very successful in shaping it. As a peer who also writes about Internet kings, I naturally hope that the author can make greater progress in the future.
If the author encounters any difficulties in writing, I welcome further communication.
This is Ah Si from Shicheng Studio. I am very happy to write a long review for you.
[Shicheng Studio by Ah Si]
It's very bland, the plot doesn't have enough tension, and the character descriptions are a little thin.
Brother, you see that Youxi has grown up. Can you come back and take a look? ]
I hate that people are the worst at using the emotional card. I like this sentence because it is very emotional.
It's great to control this kind of creature! !
Although I don't know what the plot will be like later on, long live the brother control! My brothers control the party and support it~
It's so well written, and the characters are so fleshed out! Come on!
The death of the heroine's brother was so unjust, and the hospital was also at fault!
Feng is really pitiful to be entangled with such a girl. However, no normal person would like such a girl. Her personality is too annoying.
Okay, delete my comment.
Wangwangwen has a relatively large audience in Japanese comics, but it is not easy to stand out among the many fans of the same type. There are certain deficiencies in the basic framework and settings of the author's article, so the deficiencies mean that the author can also improve his own level and the quality of the article. First of all, this article now has more than 50,000 words. Generally, the first 30,000 words in a novel should have a standard direction and clear goal and be described in this direction. However, the author is still writing about the daily life of the heroine, and feels that there is nothing useful in each chapter to attract the readers' attention. , Usually it is the interaction between the heroine and her friends, and occasionally other people appear, but it is really just a passerby walking around in front of the reader's eyes, and it looks like "what did I do today, who did I meet, what else do I have to do tomorrow, I should go to bed early" and this kind of non-nutritious. So this also shows that this article is too strong in daily style and too strong in running account style. The plot setting is very confusing, and there is no good main line, so it seems to be written wherever it comes to mind. For example, at the beginning, the heroine's friend confesses to Feng, then the heroine makes up for the physical education test, then there is the practice match between the Hyotei Women's Tennis Team and the Rikkai Women's Tennis Team, and the heroine goes to the hospital to visit Megumi Asakawa. These plots should have been written in detail, or not The plot can be expanded slightly, but the author's pace in plot description is too fast. Many times, several plots can be seen in one chapter, and the transition is very fast. For example, when the original characters in Net King appear, they say goodbye in a few words, and then say goodbye in a few words. Many people wander around in front of them, but they can't leave any impression, and they don't know the meaning of letting them come out. It seems that I chose to write this way just to let them appear. It is too deliberate. The heroine is set to be a brother-controller who is good at fighting, good at tennis but poor in physical strength, and can study well. However, the heroine's brother is no longer here. If you want to control her, you must have a physical goal. The book is called Brother-controller Diary. So if I am a reader of this article, I will subconsciously think that the brother-controller is the protagonist. The line and direction, but the content of the article is different from this perception, not to mention that Brother-sama is not the male protagonist. As the author, if I name this article, it will not lock the plot entirely on the title. There seems to be no appropriate way to deviate from the theme, and it will make people feel that the article is not on topic. Secondly, until I finished reading these 50,000 words, I still couldn't tell whether this article was about friendship or romance. Who is the male protagonist? Is it written as Nioh in the copy? But Nioh appeared obviously late. He only has a few words in the story, and the dialogue flows across a computer screen. His presence is basically replaced by the heroine's friend Sato, who takes up almost two-thirds of the entire story. Speaking of Sato, at first her personality was too strong and more prominent than the heroine's personality, so it was very easy to be misunderstood that she was the real heroine. The first chapter is about Sato confessing his love to Houchotaro. After being rejected, her character suddenly changed into a fierce and savage woman. Even when she forced others to have a relationship in the later chapters, she was so domineering and authoritarian, so her character was more distinct. On the contrary, as the heroine, Yuki is relatively weak. Her unique personality is not well demonstrated, and she does not have a particularly lovable feeling. She does not leave a deep impression on people. It's like these two people have switched the identities of the heroines and reversed their roles. Finally, the main text now covers two people's side stories. I don't know if there are other people's side stories later in the article, but just like what the author said in his words, I don't understand what he wants to write. In fact, I don't quite understand the meaning of writing this way. Initially, the heroine's brother existed in her memories, but his role was relatively insignificant, so writing about this person in an extra chapter would feel very abrupt and there was no need to exist. The same goes for Sato's side story. After all, she is not the heroine, so there is really no need to write about her in extra side stories, which will take up chapters and words, and it will also feel like this paragraph is insignificant. There is not a strong connection between chapters. Generally speaking, if you want to write an attractive plot, you have to spend effort to create an appetizing plot. I feel that the author is not good at breaking chapters and cannot grasp the key points. Therefore, more efforts are needed here. Now let's talk about the little details: 1. The author should pay attention to the logic. Let's take a logical problem that appeared at the beginning of the chapter. After Sato Yukiko was rejected by Houchotaro, she kicked a tree in annoyance, and then wrote that she stepped on a chair. Because Yuki had to make up for the physical education exam, she lay weakly on the desk. Later, when the bell rang, she returned to her seat to go to class... Why is there a big tree in the class? It's so inconsistent. For another example, if you ask Feng for tutoring in sports, it will only be about physical training. Tutoring is also based on running. You can also train by yourself. Even if it is to create opportunities for Sato and Feng, this is a bit far-fetched. You still have to pay attention to rationality when creating the plot. 2. There are a lot of small plots. It is best to set a large framework when writing a text, and then slowly add plots into it. The so-called skeleton is sound and the flesh is full, so that it can not only have a sense of picture but also create cute points. 3. Neither the characters in the original work nor the original characters are particularly stable, that is, they are a bit broken. Personally, I still hope that the character of the original character can be maintained in the fanfic. I need to do more research and speculation before writing. In fact, Sanada is not a talkative person. He is cold and cold. Tachibana may give people the impression of being a little distant, so he still feels a little awkward when he takes the initiative to say hello or close the distance in a less obvious way. The heroine's character is not particularly stable, ranging from gentle to a bit Vino, to ruthless and unrelenting in fights, and her inconsistency is quite large. Coupled with her sunny and cheerful attitude when chatting with Niou, it is difficult to judge her personality. 4. I feel that since the author set up the female tennis club, the events should be described in the respective competitions, otherwise what is the use of writing about the competitions. Personally, I still like the plot of the competition. After all, the King of Nets is a sports fan, and he can't always wear the cloak of Xiao Yan. The plot of the competition will still make people excited. Of course, it depends on how it is written. However, this is also my personal opinion. Others are left to the author's own discretion. 5. To be honest, when I saw the copy, I thought this article was going to develop towards Lily, but the copy saw that the direction of this article was very vague and suggested revisions. All in all, this article was not very successful in shaping it. As a peer who also writes about Internet kings, I naturally hope that the author can make greater progress in the future. If the author encounters any difficulties in writing, I welcome further communication. This is Ah Si from Shicheng Studio. I am very happy to write a long review for you. [Shicheng Studio by Ah Si]
It's very bland, the plot doesn't have enough tension, and the character descriptions are a little thin.
Brother, you see that Youxi has grown up. Can you come back and take a look? ] I hate that people are the worst at using the emotional card. I like this sentence because it is very emotional.
It's great to control this kind of creature! !
Although I don't know what the plot will be like later on, long live the brother control! My brothers control the party and support it~
It's so well written, and the characters are so fleshed out! Come on!
Support, support~ come on