This story was submitted to the November writing contest on the World of Warcraft forum, but it wasn't selected.
Rather than a short story, it's more like a chapter from a novel.
It doesn't feel like a short story: the time, place, characters, and events are all underdeveloped, and there's no real story structure.
I couldn't bring myself to delete it, so I'm leaving it here as a keepsake.
I've also included my friends' comments on its shortcomings...
Can't tell what to keep and what to cut
Poor pacing, no sense of urgency, and still too much description of people's appearances
Not enough insight into the characters
The structure lacks balance, with the wrong amount of detail in different places
Overlong, rambling dialogue
The main point isn't clear enough
Too many long descriptive sentences
...Well, maybe I'm a masochist, because hearing all that actually made me pretty happy.
Theme:
Can't it be expanded into a longer story?