Mrs. Monkey’s Food Bowl

I am also a very slow person. No matter what others say, I have to be slow to react. However, I have become sensitive and suspicious for some reasons, and I am especially afraid of being hurt. On the surface, I don't care what others say or do to hurt me, but secretly I am extremely troubled and sad. I show all kinds of strength on the outside, like a girly man, etc. I know how fragile and easily injured I am. I liked a boy before, but he didn't like me. I was careful to please him every day and be nice to him, but he was lukewarm towards me, but he accepted all my attempts to please him without rejecting them. Later, he had an affair with several girls because I made it very obvious. Someone specifically asked him how he felt about me. I must be interested in him if I am so nice to him. He told that person some disdainful words about me. The person came to me in a boring way. At that time, I pretended that it didn't matter and I wasn't hurt at all, but secretly I was very sad. I have always been an introvert. When I liked him, I didn't like to talk. I was silent and transparent. Because of this, I didn't dare to interact with boys normally. Until now, I only play with girls and have no friendship with boys. This is probably the inevitable result of meeting the wrong person at the wrong time. It wasn't until 4 years later that I let go of this. I am careless on the outside and care a lot on the inside, which really makes me hate myself. It's a pity that my personality cannot be changed. Alas...

In fact, it seems that some of my nerves are not connected properly, or my own aura gives people a certain message, so I am often misunderstood by others... Even though I say the same words and do the same things, people always associate the worst possible meaning with what I say and what I do... So I clearly know that only by being sincere (authentic) to others can I get sincere rewards, but because I am too afraid. I was afraid of making mistakes again or being misunderstood by others, so I always pretended to be that kind of person outside. But... Even if it is indeed a lie at first, once the lie is told a hundred times, it will gradually become the truth. Because I am used to that kind of performance.