When I Look Back

I haven't paid attention to the orchids in the corner for a long time. She has always been simple these days, but she has also bloomed. The fragrance is astounding when you get closer. I'm afraid I can't wait. She was still so young at that time, and her young buds were hazy in the morning light, accompanied by a refreshing fragrance, and they broke into my life unceremoniously. The early morning dewdrops dripped down from the flowers and leaves, breaking the loose soil on the ground. The flowers and leaves trembled, as if they were smiling sweetly, stupidly, so cute, and so naughty. I squatted in front of her and laughed with her. The still tender yellow and green petals slightly opened a small mouth, like a little girl who met a stranger, quietly raising her head to look at the earth under the blue sky. On the side are wide, narrow, and uneven leaves. Just after the midwinter, the dark green has become stubborn, and the dust can no longer block their brilliance. The air was still very thin and cool at that time, and when I took a breath, it turned into a cloud of white mist, and the flowers looked more misty and fresh. Unfortunately, it was still the same day, and there was inevitably a bit more chill in the floating dust. This chill stayed with me throughout the holiday. The winter vacation passed by in such a hurry, and it came unprepared. When it was finally time to relax, it slipped away quietly, as if only the increasingly crimson Begonia had really experienced such a time. She remained calm in the daily noise and still approached the blazing sun in the sky. Even though the dust was flying and soaking her body, she still drove unhurriedly, like a dignified and generous boudoir show, which was always pleasant. So I longed for it and sat beside her obsessively, often thinking that one day I would turn into a bird and fly up to her temples and whisper in her ear. Under the blue sky, a tree is crimson like a drop of blood, knocking into the vast sea, but stubbornly refusing to let go, so confused, so convinced, so charming. She stretched her muscles and bones, and the momentum she had accumulated all winter surged forward suddenly but quietly. When the wind from the other side of the sky passed by, it also marveled at her beauty, wandering in the intoxicated petals, looking at her with a confused look on her face, and looking at her infatuatedly with me. Just like this day after day. Time grinds the increasingly painful heart and scatters the ashes of memories. She just stands there, looking up at the scorching sun and is obsessed with it, while the wind and I can only look at her obsessed with her. Are there too many unfulfilled wishes that have been buried by this ashes and this light? What is it that has haunted us all these years? I often think about holding my Lan'er, breaking off a sprig of crabapple, and taking them to Tibet alone with my empty travel bag on my back. That would make her happy, I think. Finally, she no longer had to strain her neck to look up, she could grow wildly on this plateau, stretch out her arms, reach into the clouds, and catch her dying hopes. It's just that I am cowardly after all, and even if I think so, I won't do it. Just like my Lan'er, I'm afraid I will only choose to stay in the corner when I get there, choosing to watch silently without saying a word. I'm afraid, I'm afraid that I will never be able to lean at her feet again. Her soul will definitely go to that plateau and she will never remember me again, leaving me only a lifeless body. She will miss that paradise land, clinging to the ancient and heavy flag, singing songs belonging to the plateau in the wind. As she listens, her eyes look towards the boundless sapphire sky, so obsessed, so moving, but she has never been more youthful. I would lose her forever and never find my obsession again. So I got scared, no longer hesitated, and suffocated the slightest impulse again and again, trampling them into the world, waiting for the day when the dust would settle and bury them all deeply. Sorry, I have always been just a coward who worries about gains and losses. I am always afraid that one day I will open my eyes and find that I have lost everything, and what I hold in my hand is nothing more than a handful of rotten soil. I want to cuddle up next to you and look at you obsessedly, all the time, with Lan'er's obsession with spring, with Gu Qi's obsession with the plateau, with your obsession with the scorching sun. We are all equally selfish and greedy. Obviously at the beginning, we agreed to just keep watch. Come on, come on, come on! Lan and you are both here, and I will have no regrets if I continue like this for the rest of my life. Please forgive me for being greedy. I'm just afraid that in the end, I will have a free shackle in my life. I will become a desperate lamb that will be dragged to the slaughterhouse on a journey with no return. No matter how hard I try, I can't remember the past. By that time, I guess I will have no love left in my life.