You know how it is in Gotham.
Everyone here is either a Batman fan or a deranged Batman fan.
I'm a little bit of both, but I don't want to drag him into the mud. I'm pretty straightforward: I want him to be my dad.
My childhood can be summed up in one sentence: an abusive dad, a depressed mom, a broken family, and me awakening to magic.
I was nine that year when I saw the legendary Batman with my own eyes. He gave me two candies, and to this day, one of them is locked in my safe.
In short, I fell in love with Batman at first sight. I trained hard in magic, tried to do good deeds, and stayed up every night to follow his patrol route, hoping that one day he'd notice me and take me in as Robin.
But I watched the Robins by his side come and go, and there was never a place for me.
I was jealous of them.
I decided to take the long way around.
I mean... how can a father-in-law not count as a father? (fidgets)
I looked at Black Bat and Spoiler.
Hmm... I can't bring myself to toy with a woman's feelings!
So I found the first Robin I'd met as a kid. "Would you be my boyfriend?"
He turned me down, saying he wasn't into men.
Then I found the one who's supposedly willing to sit on male villains' laps. "Hi, would you be my boyfriend?"
The Red Hood's helmet seemed to make an annoyed face. He flicked me on the forehead and told me to go play somewhere else.
There was only one option left: judging by his height, the current Robin was terribly young. If I went after him, Batman would beat me half to death and throw me into Blackgate before I could call him Dad.
Desperate, I found the former Robin I'd been subtly picking on, thinking that if he turned me down, I'd pester him relentlessly and take him by force! As a matter of routine, I said, "Please be my boyfriend, Red Robin."
He smiled at me. "Sure."
I knew he'd turn me down. Haha... No problem, I'll get a red sack ready to kidnap him with. Wait!
He said yes!
I swiftly took his hand in mine and gazed into the eyeholes of his domino mask. "Darling, when do I meet the parents? Should I wear a suit or something casual? Maybe I should wear a leotard too? What should I bring as a betrothal gift? Should I go steal... I mean, dig up some green kryptonite for our dad? Or intercept a shipment from Black Mask? Would he like that?"
Tim: ...You're not even pretending anymore, are you?
Tim again: Black Mask's shipment sounds good. Count me in.
**
Everyone knows I'm Batman's biggest fan.
So when I heard that Bruce Wayne had taken a swipe at Batman, I angrily tore into him online from every angle. Then, one night after my "patrol," I noticed Batman heading toward Wayne Manor.
I was thrilled: Great! My future dad is finally going to beat up the rich guy!
The next day, the rich guy appeared on the front page of the news, looking radiant.
The day after that, the rich guy waved a hand and paid the enormous property damage bill.
On the fourth day, the Batman x Bruce pairing took Gotham by storm.
My face slowly filled with horror: ...I don't want to call the rich guy Mommy!!!
On the fifth day, I saw my future dad having a very intimate conversation with Superman from the next city (grits teeth). The Batman x Superman pairing started trending on the forums again.
I don't approve!
That damn outsider!!!
The rich guy... tch... fine. Sigh...
If that really is my dad's type, I suppose I'll reluctantly protect him out of love for my dad.
But those kids of the rich guy's? I don't even want to talk about them!
-
1. The pairing is the little Redbird (not CEO Tim! If you want to read CEO Tim, you can leave. This is adorable teenage Tim).
2. The male lead is Batman's biggest fan, a two-faced magical boy who is very good at acting obedient and sneaking around in the shadows...
3. No secondary couples, but there will be a little mention of Batman x Bruce and Superman x Tim/Batman x Superman misunderstandings. Just a little (gestures).
Theme: When absurdity reigns, love saves us.
