Title: I am a villain in everyone's eyes, but I love her as much as anyone else - Reading "Butterfly Shadow Returns to Dust" from Xiao Qihao's perspective - Everyone in the world accuses me of Xiao Qihao being sinister, paranoid and unscrupulous. They are right. I am an illegitimate son of the Zhang family. I take my mother's surname and have no legitimate identity. I have been living with others since I was a child. I'm jealous of Zhang Zhiming—jealous of his status as a direct descendant, jealous of his solid family fortune, and even more jealous of him marrying the only woman I want in my life. Lin Die'er. --- When I first saw that side, I knew I was doomed. She was a daughter of a famous family, with picturesque features and a tenacity in her bones that refused to bow. Zhang Zhiming was accommodating to her in every possible way, but her eyes were full of impatience and disgust. I could see clearly - she didn't love him. Since she doesn't love him, why can't she be replaced by me? Once this idea takes root, it can never be uprooted. I began to spy on her daily routine, hiding behind the rockery and watching her sitting alone by the pond in a daze, sneaking into her courtyard when she was not around, and staring at the rouge box on her dressing table in trance. I even attacked Ping'er because she was the closest person to Die'er. Die'er rushed to me and told me that the matchmaker was marrying Ping'er. I smiled and said to her, "The position of my head wife in my heart has always been yours." Her eyes were like knives, and she scolded me for being shameless. But I don't care. I only care about her. --- I finally got her, but she never belonged to me. I bribed Zhang's mother, forged a divorce letter, and imprisoned Die'er in another courtyard. That night, I said to her: Your mother-in-law has betrothed you to me a long time ago. She cried, struggled, and was heartbroken. I kissed her, but she didn't respond, only tears. At dawn, I opened the door and left. She was huddled in the corner, her clothes were messy and her eyes were empty. I thought I won. But later I found out that she was pregnant with Zhang Zhiming's flesh and blood. In order to keep the baby alive, she made me think it was mine. She gritted her teeth to please me, closed her eyes and let me kiss her, but she muttered another man's name in a place where I couldn't hear her. At night, she slept in my arms, and what she murmured in her dream was - "Zhiming..." Those two words were like a knife, piercing my heart. I tightened my arms and whispered in her ear: "It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter who you call in your dream. In this life, you can only lie next to me." But I couldn't lie to myself. I got her person, never her heart. --- I gave her all the good things I could do, but she wouldn't even give her a sincere smile. I gave her all the good things I could do to her. Make the other courtyard exquisite and warm, collect her favorite snacks and favorite treasures, stay by her side and take good care of her every day, put aside all the evil birds of prey, and learn to be gentle and accommodating. But the way she looked at me was still without any warmth. I'm not willing to give in. I am so jealous of Zhang Zhiming that I go crazy with jealousy. Why? How could he make her miss him even though he didn't do anything? And I tried my best, but I couldn't get her a sincere smile. I started to smoke heavily and tried to numb myself with opium. I want to forget her, but I can't. --- She disappeared, leaving only searching and regret for the rest of my life. My mother took advantage of my retreat to quit smoking and sold her into Yihongyuan. After I got out of the country, I learned the news, and I searched everywhere like crazy. I walked all over the streets, but there was no news about her. The child I believed to be Ping'er was held in my hands and taken good care of. I named him "Yi'an" - no hesitation, peace and security. I poured all my guilt, debt and obsession with Die'er into this child. I thought until my death that it was my flesh and blood. I never found the silver necklace she left behind in the swaddling compartment. --- When the news of her death came, my world collapsed. After several years of searching, the news of her death finally arrived. The woman I asked for, the woman who ruined half my life and was ruined by me, is dead. She blocked the gun for someone else and gave her life to another man. I didn't even see him for the last time, and I didn't even get a chance to apologize. I held the golden butterfly hairpin she had left in another courtyard and stayed behind closed doors for three days without eating or drinking. I remembered that night she said to me: "I'm just your trophy." I said to the air word by word - "Die'er, I love you. Because you are you, not a trophy." No one heard. She won't hear it either. --- I'm not a good person, but I really loved him. Everyone in the world said that Xiao Qihao was a villain, a villain, and the murderer who ruined Die'er's life. I won't argue. But I want you to know - I love her as much as anyone else. I just did it the wrong way, the wrong way from the beginning. If I could have met her earlier, if I could pursue her in an honest way, if I was not the illegitimate son of the Zhang family, if I could control my jealousy and paranoia - would the ending be different? No one can answer me. She won't come back either. --- Epilogue I put all my guilt and longing for Die'er into the front line of the Anti-Japanese War. I can point the blade at my brother, but never at my own country. For the rest of my life, I devoted everything I had to supporting the Anti-Japanese War, teaching that child to be patriotic and good, and spend my whole life making up for the sins I had committed. I made Ping'er my main wife and gave birth to a pair of children. But that place in my heart is always empty. I know, I don't deserve to say I love her. But if there is a next life - I hope I can stand upright in front of her and say: "Hello, Ms. Lin. My name is Xiao Qihao. I am not anyone's illegitimate child, nor anyone's substitute. I am just a person who wants to get to know you." --- If you have ever loved someone, so much that you were obsessed with it, read "Butterfly Shadow Returns to Dust". There are no purely good guys or purely bad guys here. There was only a man named Xiao Qihao who loved someone he should never love in the wrong way. After finishing the book, it's hard to calm down. [Cry][almost cry][cry][cry][almost cry]
It's so niche that it's barely popular, but its texture is amazingly good. The world view setting is so novel that there are no established benchmark works. The author's writing style is very stable, the pace is not fast, but there are many details, like a slowly closing net. You will constantly have questions while watching it, and you will doubt everything along with the protagonist. It is not deliberately sensational, but the fate of each character is like a designed tragic art, reasonable and cruel.
The heroine was very well-behaved, but her family was so miserable that her talent was useless, and she eventually became depressed and died miserably. The male protagonist is the proud son of heaven. After learning the truth, he sacrifices his life for love and is reborn. He becomes a guiding lover and redeems the female protagonist. 💓
You Ning, Sun You Ning. How selfish you are, you only think about your own love, you are probably out of your mind. Thanks to the fact that you saw him at that moment, you were so proud that you thought you were a big step closer to him? But if you love him... Really love him, then you shouldn't only think about yourself. You should take back your love, your desire... Let him find a better woman... At this point, I can no longer control myself, with tears in my eyes... . . .
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