I'm the Golden Cudgel, yes, the very 13,500-jin Sea-Calming Needle. You probably won't believe this, but I married Sun Wukong.
Married life is basically a saga called The Monkey and the Cudgel: Love and Grudges. When he goes out to fight, I have to turn into an embroidery needle and hide in his ear. Come on, I'm a weapon, for crying out loud. Every day I have to listen to him digging out earwax loud enough to shake the heavens, and then he suddenly yells, “Grow! Grow! Grow!” I jump out in a fright and nearly crack my head on the Southern Heavenly Gate. Our neighbor Erlang Shen is always asking where the pits on my face came from. How am I supposed to tell him my own husband's earwax blasted me?
The most annoying thing he does is fly around while riding me. You have no idea how he sits, like he's on a motorcycle, complete with his own soundtrack: “Hyah! Giddyup!” I'm the mighty Somersaulting Golden Cudgel. Don't I have any dignity? Once, I deliberately shrank myself, and he went “Oof!” and landed face-first in the dirt. He chased me around the heavens and cursed at me for three days.
But what did I marry him for? His looks? That time he said, “A little smaller”? As if. It was that day, when I was covered in demon blood, that he stuck me in a stream, squatted beside me, and used his furry hands to wipe away the grime bit by bit, muttering, “You poor thing.”
Fine. His ear it is, and flying it is. What can I say? He's my Great Sage, and I'm his troublemaker. As long as I live, the cudgel stays with the monkey, and the monkey stays with the cudgel. If you dare lose me, I'll fly back to the Eastern Sea by myself and leave you there to cry!
