My name is Zeng Qiong. I'm thirty-eight and unmarried. This name has kept me poor my whole life. In my previous life, I was Shanghai's top food-delivery rider. One rainy night, I slid beneath a truck and lost a leg. After it was put back together, I was left crippled. My parents were both gone, I had just 843.60 yuan in the bank, and I lived on welfare in an unfinished brick house in the countryside.
When I woke up, I had become the queen of the Kingdom of Women. The woman in the mirror was breathtakingly beautiful, with a waist so slender I could wrap both hands around it. I'd lived thirty-eight years without touching a woman, and now I was the most exquisite one of all.
The System said I had to marry four of Tang Monk's disciples within a hundred days: Tang Sanzang, Sun Wukong, Sha Wujing, and Zhu Bajie. If I didn't marry them all, I'd be erased.
I'm a straight man. I'm supposed to marry four men? One of them is a pig! But a single brick in this palace is worth more than a lifetime of food deliveries in my previous life. The silk quilts are so soft I can hardly bring myself to get up.
“Fine, I'll do it. I've been poor half my life, and I paid for this life with a broken leg. You four aren't worth it.”
But what I don't know is that Zhu Bajie says my eyes are fake when he's drunk, Sha Wujing nearly strangles me beneath a full moon, and Tang Sanzang has two souls inside him. The one who speaks at night calls out someone else's name. The hardest one to deal with is that monkey: he's only attracted to female monkeys.
The System tells me to turn into a female monkey and seduce him. So I do it.
Later, the System tells me to marry the Buddha, the Jade Emperor, Bodhi, and Zhen Yuanzi, too. I'm a crippled delivery rider whose longest delivery never took me outside Jing'an District, and now I'm supposed to marry every god in heaven.
“Fuck that.”
Tang Seng disagreed. I destroyed India and the Tang Dynasty. There is no scripture left, hahahaha. The Jade Emperor Tathagata will take turns to sit, and Wukong agrees.