Honghuang: The Three Pure Ones Beg Me to Stop Haggling

Lin Bei, an overworked wage slave stuck in the 996 grind, drops dead.

In his final moments, he remembers something: he is Dao Ancestor Hongjun, Pangu is his underling, and the Three Pure Ones were the worst batch he ever taught.

Then, well, he comes back to life.

And goes right back to paying his mortgage.

Until three old men break into his home

Taishang Laojun kneels and offers him a pill: “Dao Ancestor, your merit interest.”

The Heavenly Worthy of Primordial Beginning says, “Let me search his soul!”

Sect Master Tongtian says, “Dao Ancestor, help me slash the price on Pinduoduo! I’m only 0.01 short!”

Lin Bei says, “What the heck? I’ve only just awakened, and you’re already here. Is this really appropriate?”

The Three Pure Ones clutch their heads and weep: “The Heavenly Court is bankrupt! The Jade Emperor has fled! We’re three trillion in the red! We can’t even afford the electric bill at Lingxiao Palace!”

Lin Bei glances at his Huabei bill.

Six thousand in the red.

He smiles.

“Fine. Let’s start livestream selling together.”

Three days later, “Heavenly Court Select” goes live on Douyin

Taishang Laojun sells Nine-Turn Resurrection Pills with tears in his eyes. They sell out in 0.3 seconds.

The Heavenly Worthy of Primordial Beginning scowls as he shouts, “Three, two, one, click the link!” His Heaven-Flipping Seal, marketed as a paperweight, sells like crazy.

Sect Master Tongtian shows off his flying sword skills, slices through a wall with a sword aura, and loses his entire commission.

Zhunti of the Western Teachings sends ten Carnival gifts to crash the stream.

Lin Bei sips his cola: “When are you paying back the 120 million you owe the Western Teachings? If you don’t pay up, I’ll put the Eight Treasures Merit Pool on sale for 9.9, free shipping.”

Zhunti leaves the stream in an instant.

The comments explode: Who exactly is this guy in the checkered shirt?!

Lin Bei’s lips curl upward. Who else could I be? Dao Ancestor Hongjun, of course.

Haha, anyway, this is just a fun bit of wild imagination for my own amusement, with no other intentions. Please don’t take it the wrong way.