[Veteran Cultivation World Survivor + Nine Sect Saintesses + Vermilion Bird Empress + Snow White]
The good news: I transmigrated and exploited a bug to form a contract with the supreme Vermilion Bird Empress.
The bad news: She knows nothing about human cultivation, and she's led my cultivation down an increasingly bizarre path.
The good news: Her Majesty the Empress discovered the Dao De Jing in my memories.
The bad news: She's become obsessed with binge-watching dramas, spending all day cosplaying as Mai Shiranui, Kagura Hiori, and others in the lake of my mind... It's gotten so bad I can't focus on cultivating!
As I traveled across the Nine Provinces, the saintess of a sacred land came looking for me once more. The spirit lady, who was always playing some strange role, let out a sigh that revealed nothing of her feelings:
"Remember, stay away from the other saintesses from now on!"
From then on, my cultivation journey took a bizarre turn.
While others fought tooth and nail in secret realms, we discussed how to make enlightenment bubble tea.
While others used talismans to fight their enemies, I used the sacred texts' Daoist script to invent the cultivation world's first "mobile phone."
"Senior Sister, you can't! You cultivate the Path of Ruthlessness!"
And the Supreme One who indulged me, warned me, and sometimes burned my powerful enemies to ashes was making the final preparations for the arrival of the great era.
With the power to set the heavens ablaze, she lit the road ahead for me; with a soul that had crossed civilizations, I promised them a taste of the warmth of mortal life.
