No More Worrying Myself Sick: I’m Here to Mess with Other People’s Heads

[Face-slapping + unhinged + turning the tables on emotional manipulation + absurd humor + offbeat] My name is Xia Qiu. The words I’ve heard more than any others, from childhood to adulthood, are: “Be sensible. Be magnanimous. Behave with decorum.” So when my best friend wore my limited-edition dress and took my boyfriend’s arm, then told me, “I was just testing his loyalty for you”; when my boss casually handed the proposal I’d spent three sleepless nights working on to someone with connections, then told me, “Don’t be so petty”; and when my landlord used “I have heart disease” as an excuse to keep two months’ worth of my deposit... I decided to stop pretending. You can’t use good manners as a medical record, after all. Since you all say I’m petty, that I won’t let things go even when I’m right, and that I have no ladylike grace, then today I’ll show you what it really means to have no grace. What’s the big deal about throwing red wine in someone’s face in public? I’ll make him dance in his underwear at the company annual party. What’s the big deal about tearing a cheating scumbag to shreds? I’ll make him kneel in front of the wedding car I paid for in full, begging me not to sell it for scrap. Don’t talk to me about morality. I’m the Criminal Law, walking around in human form. I’m Xia Qiu, a crazy beauty who healed her own emotional turmoil and decided to cure yours, too.