Gathering Light in Youth

Have you ever, in a sudden moment, thought of the person you were as a child?

Back then, we were always eager to grow up. We looked forward to wearing high heels, deciding for ourselves when to go to bed, and going wherever we wanted. We'd pout at whatever adults said, thinking, When I grow up, I'll have a better life than you.

Then we really did grow up.

The first day of adulthood might be the day you get your first paycheck. Holding those bills in your hand, you suddenly remember sneaking around in your mother's high heels as a child. Back then, you thought growing up meant freedom, meant being able to buy everything you wanted. But when the day finally comes, after you've paid rent and utilities, there's not enough left to buy even one pair of high heels.

Your first illness as an adult is going to the pharmacy by yourself to buy medicine. When you were sick as a child, there was always a hand checking your forehead and a bowl of hot porridge brought to your bedside. Now you take your temperature and read the instructions to find the right medicine. The water is cold, and you have to wash the cup yourself. That's when you understand: growing up isn't freedom. It means there's no one left to bear the burden for you.

Your first late night as an adult is coming home from overtime and sitting in your rented apartment, staring into space. As a child, you thought nights as an adult would be exciting: you could go to bars or stay up all night talking with friends. But real nights are when you're too tired to speak, scrolling through your phone without knowing what you're looking at, with a pile of things waiting for you tomorrow.

So you ask me if I regret it?

Sometimes, I do.

I regret being in such a hurry as a child. In a hurry to finish my homework so I could watch TV, in a hurry to grow up and escape being told what to do. Back then, I didn't know that being able to watch TV after finishing my homework was already a kind of happiness. I didn't know that being watched over meant someone loved me