Three Kingdoms: I Shouted “Greedy Wolf, Your Balls Hurt!” and Terrified Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei

On the set of a new Three Kingdoms production, I, Chen Yang, am a broke nobody in my third year of college. I take an extra role to impress the girl I adore, but just as I strike a pose to slit my own throat, a spooked horse runs me through!

When I open my eyes, a rusty blade is pressed to my neck. I’ve transmigrated into an unknown foot soldier on a Yellow Turban battlefield!

I’m about to cut my own throat when a searing pain shoots through my magic pill, and a Los Angeles accent booms in my head: “Yo, bro! Star Pain System activated!”

To use a skill, I have to shout it out loud and humiliate myself. Every punishment is a magic-pill beatdown!

I use a Mamba elbow strike to whip ragtag militia into shape and leave Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei stunned. I shout “Greedy Wolf” and take out a bandit leader with a shot to the groin, leaving everyone gawking like idiots. I use a healing card to set up the postal inspector, and the Emperor’s Uncle whips him with such gusto he can’t stop shouting his approval. I sneak a peek at Diao Chan bathing, and when my nosebleed gives me away, my sense of shame somehow gets transferred to Lu Bu!

System: “You dare curse me? Giant Toad, get ready to crush those balls!”

Chen Yang: “You damn System! My magic pill’s about to be ruined!”