Journey to the West: I'm Tang Sanzang, the Ultimate Trash-Talker

Help! I just finished my grad school entrance exams and transmigrated into Tang Sanzang, without Fiery Golden Eyes or an immortal body! Other people make the pilgrimage with divine powers. I rely on slick talking to stay alive and act cool! When we meet the White Bone Spirit, I mutter to myself, “That beauty's eyes look suspicious. Maybe she wants to trick me out of my kasaya and then eat me. What a deep-laid scheme.” The White Bone Spirit immediately overinterprets it: “He saw right through my disguise! This Tang Monk is ten thousand times harder to deal with than the stories say.” Then Brother Monkey kills her with a single blow. Crossing the Flaming Mountain, I mutter to Princess Iron Fan, “The Banana Leaf Fan is so powerful. Could it be the Old Lord's scheme to make us owe him a favor?” Terrified that I'll expose her “under-the-table deal” with the Heavenly Court, Princess Iron Fan hurriedly hands over the fan. In the Kingdom of Women, I rant inwardly, “The queen probably wants to keep me here as a tool. The pilgrimage is just a pretext; this is really a chess game between the immortals and Buddhas.” The queen is moved to tears on the spot. “Imperial Brother, you truly understand that I have no choice.” In tears, she lets me continue west! I follow the original story's plot to the letter, without changing a thing! But my muttering drives every demon and Buddha to jump to their own conclusions. Sun Wukong treats me like a kindred spirit, Guanyin Bodhisattva praises my “profound insight,” and even the Tathagata thinks I have “a clear and perceptive heart.” Only I know that I haven't understood a single thing about Buddhism. I'm just a modern college student staying alive through wild guesses and fast talking! Help! Stop jumping to the wrong conclusions, okay? At this rate, I'm going to start believing I'm a true holy monk!