A wok full of boiling oil from the start, and I become famous throughout Chang’an for frying locusts!
I transmigrate to the Tang dynasty during a year of famine. Seeing the locusts filling the sky, Lin Feng grins. What pests? They’re a gold mine of protein!
I set up a wok right on the street, and the aroma of deep-fried locusts carries for miles. The people call me a demon, and the county magistrate throws me in jail? I turn the tables and dump a bucket of slop over a thug’s head, teaching him a lesson! I talk circles around the court and debate the scholars. My outrageous arguments leave the magistrate dizzy, while the smell of fried bugs makes the emperor drool!
Li Shimin slams the table and rises to his feet. “I want this one!”
He appoints me special envoy for eradicating locusts. The officials laugh: “You’d govern the country by eating insects?” But as soon as the “locusts for grain” policy is announced, the people rush to catch bugs in droves! The Zhao family causes trouble by dumping manure? I flip the bucket back onto them and make them suffer the consequences! The imperial physicians oppose making soap from filth? My soap proves them wrong, washing their faces clean of black mud!
From then on, my outrageous antics shock the entire court:
The curved-plow shares turn over the soil, leaving the bigwigs at the Ministry of Works slack-jawed!
My stir-fried kidney flowers leave the imperial chefs swooning, and I win a golden saber on a bet!
The fierce princess lashes me with her whip? One skewer of barbecue makes her cave and admit it’s delicious!
I beat Changle at gomoku ten games in a row, then win her heart with a sweet treat!
Until a hundred thousand Turkic troops cut off my supply lines...
Cheng Chumo fights to the death, while the generals oppose my daring plan. I stake my life on it: “We’ll lure them with barbecue. If we lose, you can take my head!”
The rich aroma from a hundred grills fills the mountains, and the enemy troops throw down their weapons and scramble up the slopes to beg for food! They launch a night raid with fire? I’ve already doused the place with oil, and the flames sweep through their entire camp, lighting up the night sky! Ashina charges bare-chested into the sea of fire. “Tang dog! Fight me!” I slam down my wine and challenge him: “Think you can beat me? Then all ten princesses from the kingdoms are mine!”
Li Shimin narrows his eyes. “Agreed!”
A Tubo princess, impressed by strength, comes to join me. A haughty Turkic princess goes on a hunger strike. But hometown kebabs and mare’s milk wine win them over in an instant, and they beg to marry me! Four princesses fight over who gets to be the principal wife. The emperor comes up with a brilliant solution: “Rank them by age. No primary or secondary wives!”
