I Read the Signs, and Today Is a Good Day to Show Off

My name is Chen Xuanzhen, and my Taoist name is Qingfengzi. I spent twenty years learning from my master on Zhongnan Mountain: drawing talismans to ward off evil, the Eight Diagrams, feng shui, and healing. Then one day, my master handed me three sealed letters and said I was destined to suffer three calamities of love. I had to descend the mountain and face the mortal world, and retrieve the Tears of the Nine Heavens Goddess to repair our sect's treasured relic. Before I left, he stared at me. “Remember, when trouble comes, repeat your catchphrase.”

My catchphrase? I only figured it out on the way down the mountain: “Heaven and earth, hear my plea! May merit and treasure appear for me!”

When I first arrived in the city, I rescued a little girl, Su Xiaomi, from kidnappers at the train station. The System chimed: “Merit for protecting a child: +100.” The girl turned out to be the reincarnation of a thousand-year-old cat demon. I set up a fortune-telling stall at the City God Temple and helped a heartbroken office worker catch her cheating boyfriend. After I used a body-locking spell on a crowd of people, a passerby filmed it and posted it online. Before long, I was a “viral Taoist priest.”

Even more absurdly, a beautiful CEO was being tormented by a ghost in her sleep. I saved her with a house-cleansing talisman, and when my fingertips touched her wrist, Big Dipper birthmarks appeared on both of us at the same time. The System displayed another prompt: “A past-life bond has been triggered.”

A tycoon hired me to break a “White Tiger Devours Its Master” feng shui formation, and I stumbled upon the evil cultivator Qin Yichen's scheme. Su Xiaomi was kidnapped, and my master's letter burst into flames to show me the way. Qin Yichen even claimed I had stolen his Daoist partner and threatened to cripple me.

Now I finally understood what my master meant. The mortal world wasn't some kind of trial; he'd thrown me straight into a boiling pot of chaos. Lin Ruoxue was on my left, saying she wanted to rekindle our past relationship. On my right, Su Xiaomi had transformed into a cat-eared girl and barged into my bathroom. Behind me, Qin Yichen was chasing me with a formation of water demons, driving me to leap into the Huangpu River.

But what was there to fear? I made a quick calculation: I had enough merit points to exchange for the Five Thunder Rites. The real fun was only just beginning..