When monkey hair from Sanxingdui’s bronze sacred tree got tangled around an influencer’s microphone, the whole internet thought it was staged, until footage of a Taotie biting through a display case blew up the trending charts.
I’m a shut-in who hoards collectible figures. Suddenly, my phone pops up with the “Godslayer Crowdfunding System”: “You have been bound to the identity of the Chosen One. Current Faith: 1,024 (donated by the viewer ‘No Cilantro’).” I turn around and see the Golden Cudgel poking me in the face like a selfie stick. The System prompts me: “Sun Wukong’s remnant soul requests to join the livestream. Send a ‘Rocket’ gift to unlock the Fiery Eyes filter.”
Nezha is gaming on a livestream, cursing up a storm: “Send 100 Rockets to tear down the temple!” (The gift effect automatically turns into a Fire-Tipped Spear.) Yang Jian scans the red strings tying couples together with his third eye, while a flood of warnings pops up from the anti-fraud app: “Chaos virus detected. Break up immediately.” Ao Bing stands on the Fukushima coast holding a dragon pearl as viewers send “Purify” messages. Their collective faith condenses into a breakwater.
The Lord of Entropy uses big data to tamper with the Book of Life and Death, and couples across the internet all go berserk, spamming “Kill! Kill! Kill!” Chaos changes the Investiture of the Gods into a blood-red API, and Nezha’s ID is labeled “Lotus-Roat Butcher, Recommended for Disposal.”
Now, a split-screen livestream of the three battlefields is underway: send “Protect” on Douyin to stack up a defensive barrier, post selfies on Bilibili for Yang Jian to use as computing-power batteries, and share a post on TikTok to give Jingwei another pebble.
The ultimate prompt is flooding the screen: “Eight hundred million people, close your eyes for three seconds, and this crowdfunding campaign will redeem the [Pangu Axe Trial Card]. Goal: smash that damn Chaos server!”
(Also: a friendly reminder from top donor “Has the Chan Sect Gone Bankrupt Yet Today?”: remember to watch the anti-fraud livestream before sending gifts, or you might get red-stringed by the Matchmaker...
