The Roast Show: Starting in the Spring and Autumn and Warring States Period

Our dear King You of Zhou was sitting on his glittering golden throne, looking utterly bereft of the will to live.

Why? Because the beauty he’d just wooed, Bao Si, was the Mount Everest of icy beauties: completely expressionless, and in the ultimate deluxe edition.

King You had three thousand beauties in his harem, in every shape and style: the coquettish and the adorable, the gentle and considerate, the passionate and fiery... What kind didn’t he have?

Yet Miss Bao Si was like a walking air conditioner, radiating a chill of twenty degrees below zero.

King You tried everything he could think of. Rare jewels? She glanced at them and went back to gazing skyward at a forty-five-degree angle, her vacant eyes big enough to hold the entire Milky Way.

Telling corny jokes? King You laughed like a complete idiot, while Bao Si’s lips didn’t shift by even a single pixel.

Throwing a grand party? The music thundered, the dancers nearly broke their legs, and Bao Si couldn’t even be bothered to lift an eyelid.

“I’m falling apart!” King You thought to himself. “Beautiful women these days are impossible! I rule all under Heaven. Can’t I even buy a smile?”

Just as King You was tearing his hair out in frustration, a “genius” bad idea took shape in the mind of Guo Shifu, a sycophantic minister who was just as anxious to climb the ladder and make a fortune: “Your Majesty! Don’t we have beacon towers? Light one, and the feudal lords’ armies will come rushing to your rescue. What a magnificent sight! What a thrill! Maybe Her Majesty Bao will be so delighted that she’ll... heh heh heh?”...