I, Chang’e, Am the Biggest Troublemaker in the Three Realms

Before I was reborn, I was Heaven’s certified lovesick fairy, the Moon Palace’s gold-star employee for seventy thousand years straight, and the Three Realms’ best background character.

After being reborn, I returned to the scene where Hou Yi was tenderly proposing to me with the elixir of immortality in hand, and finally saw the light.

Ascend to immortality? Don’t make me laugh. It’s a lifetime contract with no benefits, no pension, and no paid vacation. Even a dog wouldn’t take that job!

So, with tears in my eyes (all pretend), I rejected the lovesick male lead and immediately started planning my retirement in the primordial world: The Moon Palace Retirement Community Handbook.

Step One: Choose a location. The moon is perfect: beautiful, peaceful, and quiet. The neighbor (the sun) has a fiery temper, but at least we’re in different time zones.

Step Two: Security. The protective formation needs to be so powerful that even the Sages can’t be bothered to break it. Change the password every day, and require visitors to show proof of having accrued no karma for billions of years.

Step Three: Recruitment. Only lazy fellow cultivators who don’t cause trouble, love gossip, and can cook need apply. Fighters and workaholics, take the next left. There are plenty of positions open on the Investiture of the Gods.

All I wanted was to lie low until the end of time and watch livestreams from across the Three Realms with my “Lunar Gourd Patch System.”

Who could have guessed...

To stop the Golden Immortals of the Chan Sect from showing up to “discuss the Dao” and disturbing my sleep, I casually gave the Three Xiao Sisters a “Tortoiseshell Formation Diagram”... and they wiped out the Twelve Golden Immortals.

To get rid of the two Westerners who kept showing up to peddle their beliefs, I “accidentally” leaked the location of the private treasure vault of Yuanshi Tianzun... and they stripped Mount Kunlun bare.

Watching the world crumble in the fighting outside, while the Sages cried and wailed, I sat in the Moon Palace clutching my jade-rabbit hand warmer and fell into deep thought:

“I really... just wanted a quiet, peaceful retirement!”