[System Warning]:
⚠️ Host has gone 8 consecutive hours without eating a villain
⚠️ Initiating Five-Thunderbolts-Strike Buffet Mode
⚠️ Today's recommended menu: Governor of the Eastern Depot (Calories: 250)
Modern-day thug Li Qiankun once bragged to his childhood friend, "From now on, I'll be the embodiment of justice and the people's protector!" The Heavenly Dao punished him with a bolt of lightning to the crown of his head, accidentally binding him to a tsundere version of the "Taotie Purification System." This outrageously picky System has three rules: don't eat good people (they cause allergies), don't swallow the innocent (they give you diarrhea), and don't digest honest officials (they hurt your teeth). Forced into the job, Li Qiankun opens a fantastical food-hunting adventure on the streets of the first year of Chongzhen, armed with a lightning-proof umbrella.
✓ First customer: village tyrant Wang Jingou, who sneaks into widows' homes at night
✓ Rewards: Constitution +1, Strength +1, Speed +1, Intelligence +1 (Host's current attributes: Constitution 10, Strength 7, Speed 7, Intelligence 8)
One pack of "Yellow Crane Tower" cigarettes that never runs out
One cursing Zippo lighter (always says, "What are you looking at?" when lit)
✓ Annual feast: the deluxe Eunuch Wei Zhongxian set ✓ Achievement unlocked: Eunuch-voiced bel canto ✓ Unexpected bonus: Qianqing Palace becomes a karaoke room
When Li Qiankun discovers that devouring Wu Sangui unlocks a "Tyrannosaurus Mount," while eating Li Zicheng grants him a "Brush That Automatically Writes Rebellious Poems," the lightning-fearing foodie suddenly realizes: the best way to save the Ming is to stuff every villain into the System's stomach, a space-time vortex!
