I, the Lone Star of Calamity, Remade Three Hundred Years of the Northern Song

That year, I was a prisoner in the Taihang Mountains, and my chains were colder than my mother-in-law’s heart. The hapless emperor Chai Rong showed up at my door with a barrel of gunpowder, insisting that my family’s ancestral Seven-Star Lamp could pay his electric bill. I had to extend his life by three months, and the price was going blind on the spot. Only later did I learn that being an imperial power bank was the fate of the descendants of Guiguzi, just as a donkey is destined to turn a millstone. When Zhao Kuangyin’s yellow robe was hidden in the hollow of an old locust tree at Chenqiao Station, I was studying the jade pendant on his chest. The thing buzzed the moment you touched it, like a microwave, roasting the Eight-Gate Golden Lock Formation I’d set up into popcorn. His younger brother was even worse. He slaughtered three hundred prisoners of war as an offering, splattering blood everywhere and breaking through my metaphysical anti-addiction system. That day, I had an epiphany: feng shui masters and politicians are all damn frauds. The difference is that the former use copper coins to tell fortunes, while the latter use them to bribe the living. The most ridiculous was Zhao Guangyi. That bastard dosed the entire court with elixirs made from minerals, turning Bianjing into one giant outdoor nightclub. The night I was munching on a steamed bun in the palace rafters, I saw him give his brother acupuncture with an axe. His technique was rougher than a butcher’s. Later, I fled with Emperor Taizu’s blood edict in my pocket. After soaking in the Yellow River for ages, the tattered cloth turned to stone, with crooked words carved into it: “The shame of Jingkang remains unavenged.” It looked just like a scam text from Heaven. Now I run a guesthouse beneath Lake Tai, catering exclusively to time travelers. By the way, there’s a hotheaded young man named Yue Fei who keeps coming by to ask about tattoo designs. I tattooed four big characters on his back: “Try reincarnating.”