You try hard to change yourself, hoping to become a good partner, a good employee, and a good son or daughter, but you never get recognition. Maybe this is not because you are not good enough, but because you have been unconsciously manipulated... Your view of yourself often comes from the evaluation of people around you? Do you always apologize to your parents, partner, and boss? Your parents criticize you for your clothes, your job, your friends, and who you date, but you reflect that maybe they were right? Do you have trouble making simple decisions and often have self-doubt? If this applies to you, be careful! You may have been gaslighted! Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that can be difficult to recognize and even difficult to escape. This is because it triggers our deepest fear of abandonment; it also triggers our deepest need to be understood, appreciated, and loved. In this groundbreaking book, Dr. Robin Stern, a renowned psychotherapist with more than 30 years of experience in counseling, shows you how gaslighting works, from recognizing the three stages of gaslighting to five ways to stop gaslighting and how you can decide which relationships are still salvageable and which need to be left early. By being alert, honest, and asking for help, you can end these toxic relationships in no time. You will also find that you deserve to be better to yourself! Have you been gaslighted? Activate your gaslighting radar and look for these warning signs: 1. You repeatedly question yourself. 2. You ask yourself dozens of times a day: "Am I too sensitive?" 3. You often feel confused and even lose your mind when working. 4. You are always apologizing to your parents, boyfriend and boss. 5. You often think about whether you are a good girlfriend, wife, employee, friend, or daughter. 6. You can't understand why there are so many wonderful things in life, but you are never happy enough. 7. When you buy clothes for yourself, furniture for your apartment, or other personal items, you always think about what he likes, not what you like. 8. You often make excuses for your partner in front of friends and family. 9. You find yourself starting to withhold certain information from friends and family so that you don't have to explain it to them or make excuses in front of them. 10. You know something is seriously wrong, but you just can't express it clearly, and you can't even figure out why. 11. You lie to avoid your partner's demeaning words and distortions of reality. 12. You can't even make up your mind about simple things. 13. Think twice before making small talk. 14. Before your partner comes home, you go over in your head what you did wrong that day. 15. You feel that you are very different now than before - more confident, more playful, and more relaxed. 16. You start talking to your husband through his secretary so that you don't have to tell him directly things that might make him unhappy. 17. You feel like nothing you do is right. 18. Your children start to protect you around your partner.
Reader comments
After reading this book, I remembered a friend who I had no longer friends with. When we were on good terms, she often regarded herself as a close sister, commenting on my clothes and makeup, and giving advice on how to behave. At first, I was very grateful and almost obeyed. Later, many suggestions that were contrary to my personality made me very uncomfortable. After I declined a few times, she sneered at me, saying that I was ignorant. Finally, we broke out in a big quarrel and broke off contact. Isn't this the proper kerosene lamp effect? She wants to control me, I obey and she is happy, I refuse and she turns against me. After reading this book and learning what the kerosene lamp effect is, I discovered that many relationships have this problem. I am correcting the relationship according to the methods given, hoping for a good result.
This is a book in the field of psychology, and the theories proposed are very interesting and practical. I checked my circle against the content and found that sometimes I was a kerosene lamp, and sometimes I was the operator of the kerosene lamp, sweat. The kerosene lamp effect is that in a relationship, one party is the kerosene lamp operator, always reasonable and correct, and has absolute dominant rights and status. The other party is the manipulated person, who abides by the rules of the operator, lets the operator define his own world, and expects to be affirmed by the operator. Such a relationship is unhealthy and uncomfortable. If it is not adjusted in time, it will eventually break up. You should calm down and examine every relationship. Adjust when it is time to adjust, and abandon when it is time to abandon. People should embrace themselves and look forward.
I recently read this book called Gaslighting. It says: How to recognize and break free of other people's invisible control over your life. On the one hand, it is to get rid of others' control over oneself. On the other hand, it is also to reflect on whether one has unconsciously controlled others.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting originated from the movie "Gaslight". The general content is that the hero gives the heroine a brooch, the heroine puts it in her handbag, the hero secretly takes the brooch out, and then asks the heroine where the brooch is. The heroine couldn't find the brooch, which means she remembered to put it in her handbag. The hero kept telling the heroine: You are too forgetful. Similar things repeated until the heroine suspected that she was really forgetful, which gradually drove her crazy. Everything the male protagonist does is for the female protagonist's property.
Gaslighting is established in a relationship between two parties, which can be between friends, between parents and children, or between lovers. One party is the manipulator and the other is the manipulated. Gaslighting cannot occur with only one party. Gaslighting can only work if you believe the gaslighter and you need him to have a good impression of you.
This is a very special book. I believe that for most people, the concept of gaslighting is relatively unfamiliar. The emotional abuse pointed out and discussed in depth in the book "Gaslighting" is relatively more subtle and more controlling. The author draws on his many years of clinical experience in women's emotional health to conduct a thorough analysis. This book was written to identify this covert emotional manipulation and abuse and to resist it, thus serving as a tool for self-protection in young women.
"Gaslighting is a relationship between two people: one is the gaslighter, who needs to play the role of being right about everything so that he can maintain his identity and feel that he has actual power in the world. The other is the manipulated, who always lets the manipulator define her reality and over-idealizes him, always hoping to get his approval." This book is very interesting and allows us to better understand ourselves and stay awake.
"Gaslighting is a relationship between two people: one is the gaslighter, who needs to play the role of being right about everything so that he can maintain his identity and feel that he has actual power in the world. The other is the manipulated, who always lets the manipulator define her reality and over-idealizes him, always hoping to get his approval." This book is very interesting and allows us to better understand ourselves and stay awake.
There are many books about the gaslighting effect, but this book does not overshadow it. I recommend everyone to read it! This book is very rich in content. It first explains clearly what the gaslighting effect is, and explains it from aspects such as family and workplace to help readers understand the gaslighting effect in different scenarios. A good book is inseparable from the author's accumulation. The author is a famous doctor of psychology and has rich academic accumulation and practical experience. Therefore, he can write this book in a simple and profound way, which seems to be very beneficial to readers.
After reading this book, I remembered a friend who I had no longer friends with. When we were on good terms, she often regarded herself as a close sister, commenting on my clothes and makeup, and giving advice on how to behave. At first, I was very grateful and almost obeyed. Later, many suggestions that were contrary to my personality made me very uncomfortable. After I declined a few times, she sneered at me, saying that I was ignorant. Finally, we broke out in a big quarrel and broke off contact. Isn't this the proper kerosene lamp effect? She wants to control me, I obey and she is happy, I refuse and she turns against me. After reading this book and learning what the kerosene lamp effect is, I discovered that many relationships have this problem. I am correcting the relationship according to the methods given, hoping for a good result.
This is a book in the field of psychology, and the theories proposed are very interesting and practical. I checked my circle against the content and found that sometimes I was a kerosene lamp, and sometimes I was the operator of the kerosene lamp, sweat. The kerosene lamp effect is that in a relationship, one party is the kerosene lamp operator, always reasonable and correct, and has absolute dominant rights and status. The other party is the manipulated person, who abides by the rules of the operator, lets the operator define his own world, and expects to be affirmed by the operator. Such a relationship is unhealthy and uncomfortable. If it is not adjusted in time, it will eventually break up. You should calm down and examine every relationship. Adjust when it is time to adjust, and abandon when it is time to abandon. People should embrace themselves and look forward.
I recently read this book called Gaslighting. It says: How to recognize and break free of other people's invisible control over your life. On the one hand, it is to get rid of others' control over oneself. On the other hand, it is also to reflect on whether one has unconsciously controlled others. What is gaslighting? Gaslighting originated from the movie "Gaslight". The general content is that the hero gives the heroine a brooch, the heroine puts it in her handbag, the hero secretly takes the brooch out, and then asks the heroine where the brooch is. The heroine couldn't find the brooch, which means she remembered to put it in her handbag. The hero kept telling the heroine: You are too forgetful. Similar things repeated until the heroine suspected that she was really forgetful, which gradually drove her crazy. Everything the male protagonist does is for the female protagonist's property. Gaslighting is established in a relationship between two parties, which can be between friends, between parents and children, or between lovers. One party is the manipulator and the other is the manipulated. Gaslighting cannot occur with only one party. Gaslighting can only work if you believe the gaslighter and you need him to have a good impression of you.
This is a very special book. I believe that for most people, the concept of gaslighting is relatively unfamiliar. The emotional abuse pointed out and discussed in depth in the book "Gaslighting" is relatively more subtle and more controlling. The author draws on his many years of clinical experience in women's emotional health to conduct a thorough analysis. This book was written to identify this covert emotional manipulation and abuse and to resist it, thus serving as a tool for self-protection in young women.
"Gaslighting is a relationship between two people: one is the gaslighter, who needs to play the role of being right about everything so that he can maintain his identity and feel that he has actual power in the world. The other is the manipulated, who always lets the manipulator define her reality and over-idealizes him, always hoping to get his approval." This book is very interesting and allows us to better understand ourselves and stay awake.
"Gaslighting is a relationship between two people: one is the gaslighter, who needs to play the role of being right about everything so that he can maintain his identity and feel that he has actual power in the world. The other is the manipulated, who always lets the manipulator define her reality and over-idealizes him, always hoping to get his approval." This book is very interesting and allows us to better understand ourselves and stay awake.
There are many books about the gaslighting effect, but this book does not overshadow it. I recommend everyone to read it! This book is very rich in content. It first explains clearly what the gaslighting effect is, and explains it from aspects such as family and workplace to help readers understand the gaslighting effect in different scenarios. A good book is inseparable from the author's accumulation. The author is a famous doctor of psychology and has rich academic accumulation and practical experience. Therefore, he can write this book in a simple and profound way, which seems to be very beneficial to readers.