My Phone Can Contact Anyone, Past or Present, at Home or Abroad

Online novelist Li Wendong comes across a phone that can send messages to anyone.

To Wu Da: If you marry, avoid Pan. If you feel unwell, don't take the frost. Take my advice, and live a long life.

To Jack: Don't get on that ship, or Rose will spend her life alone.

To the First Emperor: Immortality is a scam. Eat fewer pills and exercise more.

To Ximen Qing: I have an old friend who's far better than you. His grave mound is already growing long and thick.

To Han Xin: When a friend comes from afar, first make him suffer in mind and body, toil his muscles and bones, and starve his flesh...

To Cao Xueqin: Your book is wonderful, a true masterpiece. I could never match it. I'll give you fifty cents for it, so you can buy spicy strips and share them with your friends. Wouldn't that be lovely?

To Lu Bu: I'll take care of your wife. Don't worry about a thing.

The replies: Who are you? How are you this hilarious? Four-three-eight, what a monster!

This novel and its characters are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to actual people or events is purely coincidental. Do not imitate.