When the Breeze Returns to the South

When I was a freshman in high school, I liked a girl. She was thin, with bangs and a high ponytail. She was quite tall, probably about 170cm tall, and she looked very quiet. We were in a group apart, and she sat in the second row (or the third row, I can't remember the details because it's been so long). She was at the same table with a plump girl. They seemed to have a good relationship, and I often saw them going to and from school together. I sat in the third row from the bottom, sharing the same table with Xiao Hei (a thin and dark young man, so everyone called him Xiao Hei). Oh, by the way, I also have a nickname. They all like to call me Chui Ge (it seems because my hair is relatively soft and floats when the wind blows. Also, two classmates in the class and I are roommates and we all go to school together, so Digua gave us the nickname combination of "wash, cut and blow"). During class, I often secretly looked at her back and profile, as well as the way she took notes seriously, and I couldn't help but be a little obsessed. One time when I was at school in the afternoon, I was having a fight with a big boy in my class, and we were blocked in the intersection of her group. She and her deskmate happened to come over. They glanced at us and saw that we were deadlocked, so she tried to squeeze through. Then I pushed the big boy, causing him to bump into her, and she hit the corner of the table with her hip. She screamed in pain, and then returned to her seat holding the injury. After a while, he turned to look at us and cursed: "One big and one small..." I didn't hear the rest clearly. The naive little boy wanted to attract the attention of the girl he liked, but he used the worst way to hurt her (he couldn't help but give himself a slap in the face). Afterwards, the big man took the initiative to apologize, but I didn't. I was scared. I'm not as brave as my name suggests. I'm so afraid of the disgusting look in her eyes when she looks at me. I thought that was it, that she would slowly disappear in my heart. But nearly eleven years later, I suddenly had a dream: I was kneeling alone, holding a delicate open small box with a ring in it. I looked lovingly at the face that fascinated me and said, "Marry me." She covered her mouth with her hands and nodded with tears in her eyes. I was very happy, but then, as if my soul was out of body, I floated sideways from that body, changing from the first perspective to the third perspective. I realized that the person was not me, and I woke up from the dream with a smile on my face. Then confusion, followed by inexplicable discomfort, tightness in the chest, and occasionally a stab of pain. I kept telling myself that this was just a dream, implying that I should let go and that she might have been successfully proposed by someone else. After a week of suffering, obsession still won. I picked up my phone and opened QQ, entered our classmate group, found her, and clicked on her profile card. I gave up again. After a day of struggle, obsession won again. I finally clicked on the line to add friends, but reality hit me hard. Question: Who am I? I entered her real name, my heart was beating fast, and I clicked send. As a result, a red exclamation mark and a line of words appeared: Answer verification failed. My heartbeat stopped for a moment, yes, I remembered, I tried to add her back then, but I got stuck here. I was still unwilling to give in, so I tried the name after her surname. YQ failed to verify, and qq still failed. I tried all the nicknames related to her name that I could think of, and all verification failed. I was still unwilling to give in. I clicked on the private message. I hesitated for a long time, carefully considered what I typed, and after making sure it was OK, I clicked send again with my heart racing. However, God closed a door for me and also closed the window. Look at the red exclamation mark before the message and the line below: Failed to send, the group owner has prohibited group members from initiating temporary conversations. My heart suddenly went cold. After half a quarter of an hour, I had to accept the reality. I returned to the friend application page again and tried all the answers I could think of: the homophony of her name, possible nicknames, and answers in the direction of philosophy, brain teasers, etc. From 7pm to nearly 4am, I still didn't succeed. I had to accept this ending that I couldn't let go of. I couldn't even apologize to her for the prank I played back then. Maybe this is God's punishment for me If I have the chance, I would like to tell her: Sorry! It was because I was too ignorant and naive back then, and I never properly said sorry to you. This matter has been in my heart for a long time, and I feel very guilty. I am really sorry. Saying it today is also an explanation for who I was back then. Finally, I still can't help but want to ask this question that has troubled me for eleven years: cyqWho are you? ? ?