[Investiture of the Gods] I’m the Divine Beast of Zhaoge!

Couple: A down-on-her-luck, snarky, cowardly fake phoenix heroine × a proud, softhearted, fiercely protective, genuinely powerful peacock Synopsis Huang Ling has always firmly believed she’s a phoenix heroine. By blood, she’s a pureblood phoenix, born of heaven and earth. By connections, she’s apprenticed to one of the Three Thousand Chaos Gods and has ties to Hongjun. She has powerful people backing her! As for her golden finger, her master comes from five thousand years in the future. How far can a pair of eyes see? And yet... Her beliefs and reality are always at odds... A phoenix? The last one alive, with a fate adrift like a duckweed. A master? A coward who leads the way in running and hiding from the Heavenly Dao. There are powerful people above her, all right, but they’re her enemies. During a century-long calamity, Huang Ling happens to become the guardian divine beast of a kingdom, with an endless supply of incense offerings from then on. The Heavenly Dao peeks in: “Hey there, the Great Shang dynasty is about to fall. Your divine beast experience pass is expiring!” What? Well, surely she can be the adored pet of a powerful big shot instead. From the start, she picks up Kong Xuan, and the proud big shot falls in love with her. Zhun Ti smiles warmly. “He has a connection to the West. How about meeting the aloof Buddha Mother?” No problem. She can still take the passionate, heroic route and get her friends to raise their hands and lend her their strength. Jiang Ziya strolls by with the Investiture of the Gods in hand. “I’ll take your friends off your hands.” Flip the table! She has to flip the table! Change fate! She has to change fate! Her goal: cleave the Investiture of the Gods in two! The path to defying heaven is difficult and arduous... so she steals some time to crack a few cold jokes... But why has the Great Shang she mocked gone completely off the rails?! A few little skits: Q: Kong Xuan, why don’t you show Huang Ling your Five-Colored Divine Light? Huang Ling: Because he’s afraid I’ll rummage through the treasures he’s collected in there! By the way, did you know peacocks like collecting shiny things too? Kong Xuan: Some fat bird is chattering in my ear again... I’m afraid I’ll casually stuff her in there just to get some peace and quiet. After Huang Ling had been missing for a while, Kong Xuan brought her home in his hands. Kong Xuan: Did you think I was joking earlier when I said I’d take you into my divine light? I forgot to mention that I also like collecting pitch-black things. Huang Ling: Then get to polishing me! Kong Xuan: ...The Five-Colored Divine Light cuts off the world. If you’re inside it, you won’t hear me calling you. Q: Daji, Daji, why did you fall in love with the king? Daji: Someone told me... the king and I are like the fox and the little prince. He tamed me. Huang Ling, thinking: “...But the king has a full beard and is in his thirties. So where’s the little prince?” Daji: “He’s only in his thirties. You and I have cultivated for a thousand years. How old are we now?” Huang Ling: “...Fair enough.” Q: Who are the harem ladies’ idols? Queen Jiang: Jiang Ziya, who’s eight hundred years old, or Zhang Zifang, who’s six hundred? It’s so hard to choose. Lady Huang: I want to learn from Fu Hao and Mu Guiying and become a flying dragon general! Lady Yang: Zhen Huan. ??? Those eras don’t match at all! Who spoiled the story?! Everyone: (They all turn and stare in unison.) Huang Ling: (Guiltily gazes up at the sky.) Q: Why are the two of you such close friends? Yin Jiao: I have a grudge against my dad. Nezha: What a coincidence, me too! Yin Jiao: My dad wants to kill me. Nezha: What a coincidence, me too! Yin Jiao: I’m going to rebel against the Shang! Nezha: Count me in! Yin Hong: Wherever my brother goes, I go! The three raise their cups: “Brothers for life! Let’s swear brotherhood!” This novel is also known as 《A Firefighter’s Guide to Self-Improvement》, 《Those Years of Defying Heaven and Changing Fate》, 《The Proud Peacock Has Been Downgraded, But Why Is Kong Xuan So Cute?》, 《Reborn, and My Favorite Catchphrase Makes Me Forget My Own Name》, and 《But the Cover Will Never Compromise》 Warnings: Contains a lethal dose of crack pairings, rumors as I tell them, chaotic couples, and lots of cold jokes. May include a little Gu Jian and a little Nezha. Happy ending. Author’s note: An old, chronically late pigeon is pretending to be Jingwei, and with boundless apologies is finally filling in an old abandoned story from six years ago. I’m grateful to everyone who clicks in. Message: People can make mistakes, be unlucky, and suffer misfortune, but they must not be born that way.