I am not recording these things as a warning to my peers like me before; nor am I remembering the passing years or praising the beauty of youth. My purpose is not clear. I just wrote these crappy paragraphs on a whim like many people of my age who have similar experiences to me, as my own spiritual medicine to make myself feel better because of the loneliness and pain I am suffering at this stage. Whether this is drugs, antibiotics, or something else that is harmful and useless can only be known after I mix the painful memories of the present with the memories of the past.