It's not that I'm dissatisfied, I'm very content, and I even feel that I deserve all the things the world has given me. I have a pair of parents who love me very much. Although they have a rough life and have their own shortcomings, they have been serious and diligent throughout their lives and love me deeply. I also have a pair of puppies who are often ravaged by me. I love this world, even if my vision is too narrow for it. I treat everyone around me with care, try not to hurt them, and try my best to protect them, for fear that one day they will no longer belong to me, and I would rather hurt myself without hesitation. Just like before. Maybe the way I love this world is wrong. I don't make love with her as an equal, but I look up to her and devote all my life's energy to care and sacrifice for her, hoping to make her more perfect and flawless. What's left is just an empty shell of myself. I paid attention to every visible and invisible detail around me, every touching moment, and every strand of emotion. I thought about changing, letting go, and looking for every straw that could pull me ashore. But for me, all I can hold in my hand is just a straw. Whenever the straw is broken in my hand, I will fall deeper. I over-indulged in my pursuit of satisfaction, and over-searched for small corners where I could hide. I like to let myself get stuck in the quagmire and enjoy the feeling of struggle and torture. It's like my heart is missing a corner. The pain of not being able to find anything to fill it makes me make mistakes again and again. Frequent mistakes make me have no choice but to let myself continue to eat the whole heart in my body, inexplicably enjoying the torment of continuing to make mistakes. Always.