The moment I decided to lie down on the operating bed, I didn't know if I would have the chance to stand up again, leave this cold and bitter hospital bed, and leave this devoid of spiritual space, because those unknown factors were never decided by me, and I didn't know, and I had no way to predict the unknown results. I have thought about whether my life will end here, or whether there will be a new beginning here. For me, all of this is an unknown cause and effect.
I didn't tell him, and I didn't tell too many people, that I would have surgery today. I was not afraid that he would see my sick look, but I was afraid that when he knew that I decided to face surgery today, he would come to see me. After all, our relationship is getting worse and worse than before. Sometimes, just like when we first met each other, our relationship suddenly becomes alien. I expected him to come, but I was afraid of facing bad results. Maybe it was the pessimistic me that had been dominating my world and made me so cowardly. I also know in my heart that if I don't see you today, I will see you again next time or not. In this world with no expectation and hope, I don't know whether I should have any luck about it. Luck in life used to be my only expectation for this world, but when this expectation slowly becomes illusory, I only know that thinking too much is just in vain.