On the first full moon night after leaving Tianyong City, the evil spirit broke out.
When Li Susu opened her eyes, she saw a world that seemed familiar and paradoxical.
A young man wearing a black shirt from southern Xinjiang with a hint of cinnabar on his eyebrows met him unexpectedly, carrying a broken Fenji Sword on his back.
If there is no room for two Baili Tusu in the world, then will they have to engage in a struggle between the weak and the strong, and eventually die together? At that time, will reincarnation start again and everything will be shuffled again.
Lan Sheng: "Let me ask a philosophical question. If you use a stone-faced sword to attack a wooden-faced sword, which sword is more powerful?"
Stone Face & Wooden Face: (cover it with a palm) You are the one who is so troublesome! !
Is it BE or HE? Guess~
The cover is produced by [Wine Alley Vision]~
Intention:
Reader comments
The two bosses met... Is it because of the thunder and fire in the sky, do they agree or dislike each other?
(๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧ Like! Suddenly I felt that the boss and the boss were in love togetherˉˉ
I'm here againˉˉI'm so excited to see the two bosses! ! ! ! ! Emma couldn't be more adorable (ฅ>ω<*ฅ)
Σ( ° △ °|||)...... This, this, this! ! ! !
... I feel so depressed when I see it... I feel tired and unlovable. The claw machine is so troublesome.
Susu comes and goes, I really want to eat it in one bite -. -
Wait for the new article! ! The prince is so arrogant 233333
Very meaningful, happy new year
I fell in love with Shuangsu silently, this article won't be a trap╭(╯3╰)╮
I confessed~! Sprinkle flowers~!
But hey, what should I do if two Su Sus attack two bosses?
The half-length children have become narcissistic, and they are alone. Could it be that they should get together as a couple? I always think that would be scary~!
I can't stand it anymore, it's so confusing, I can't understand it, I don't know what's going on
Why, why is it BE?
Damn, can you go to the Cambrian Annals Bar? All rights will be reserved.
My hard work actually didn't bother me... I'm sad to offend you... Emma, boss, don't be careless and fry Boss Qiao!
The pure game party said with mixed feelings that they would come and take a look...
Great, please update, it looks great
The font size of the copy could be larger. To be honest, girl, you chose this subject, which made me sweat. Because it's too challenging, and I'm a pure game fan, so I have mixed feelings about the TV series_(:з)∠)_
First of all, when I read the first sentence of this article, I came to the conclusion: the description is not appropriate enough.
"Su Su looked up and saw that a bright moon was in the sky and wisps of fine clouds were floating by. It was a wonderful scene." Take this sentence for example. "A bright moon was in the sky" lets readers know that it should be night now, but since it is night, how can we see the "wispy clouds" clearly? Even if the moonlight is brighter, it cannot achieve this level. This is a matter of common sense.
And "excellent scenery", you didn't reflect this "scenery" at all. When looking at the scenery of a place, in addition to whether there is the sun and moon in the sky, you should also look at the surrounding environment. For example, Susu should be on the street now, and there is a willow tree around which he will meditate next. You did not point it out at all, so when the willow tree appears later, the reader will feel a sense of violation.
There are also words such as "Young Master bowed and said respectfully to the two of them." In my impression, Boss Ouyang is a person who will never be "respectful" to others at any time, no matter how gentle and polite he behaves.
"He immediately forced himself to straighten his back and meditate, and began to perform exercises to suppress the evil spirit. He knew that this would be of no avail. Pain and crazy thoughts were growing like weeds in his mind."
Another question about the description structure. If you read the above paragraph carefully, do you feel a little awkward?
After this paragraph, Su Su's memories flashed into my mind, which was completely unnecessary in my opinion. You also wrote before, "Pain and crazy thoughts were growing like wild weeds in his mind." These thoughts refer to "You... Damn..." Rather than Su Su's memories, right?
But you happened to insert the memories of Ling Duan, the headmaster, the disciples of Tianyong City, etc. In the middle of this paragraph. It's just like a TV show suddenly inserting an advertisement in the middle. You didn't handle it well, which made people feel very deliberate.
In fact, from this memory, I can tell that you want to express a lot, but the text is not animation or TV series. If you want your text to have a visual feel and make readers feel involved, you have to write out what you want to express one by one, rather than directly summarizing the original picture.
The next one is a failure in characterization.
You just let your protagonist do what the character should do, without thinking about why he did it.
Take the middle-aged man who appeared in the first chapter as an example. Su Su's evil spirit broke out. This man appeared, but Su Su refused his help.
"'I'm fine.' He gritted his teeth and replied, just hoping that the man would leave quickly." - Why did he let the middle-aged man leave? Because Su Su is actually a very kind person, his evil spirit is about to break out, and he is afraid that he will hurt the middle-aged man, but look back at what you wrote:
"Shall I go find a doctor?" The middle-aged man refused to give up. Su Su believed in his good intentions, but there was absolutely no way for the middle-aged man to cure his evil spirit. He struggled to stand up, broke away from the hand that wanted to help him, and staggered forward while muttering: "I'm fine..."
Su Su had known for a long time that the evil spirit could not be cured in Tianyong City, so at this time, he would never entertain the idea of whether a middle-aged man could cure the evil spirit. Instead, he was thinking about how to avoid involving the man - so when the man refused to leave, he would take the initiative to "struggle to stand up and break away from the hand that wanted to support him."
The other one, Fen Ji, was lost, and Su Su must be very anxious. You didn't describe this anxiety at all.
And a truly anxious person will not take the initiative to care about the external environment, and your Susu also sighed that Qingchuan is really lively...
Su Su saw Tu Su at the entrance of the alley, and he was still in the mood to think, "He is also looking for a sword?"... I know you wanted to write about the appearance of Tu Su and Qingxue, but your entry point is not appropriate. Next, you also wrote a paragraph about Qingxue and Tu Su's fight, that is, Say, your protagonist Su Su stopped to watch the fight between two passers-by when "Fen Ji was lost" was in a very urgent situation. Even if Su Su felt that the man was similar to himself, he would have to find Fen Ji first before he could think about this, right?
Therefore, if you really want Su Su to notice them, you should first notice Fen Ji in Qingxue's hand.
Next, Su Su completely forgot about Fen Ji, who she had lost, and took Tu Su away with Qingxue...
Let me talk about another thing: the scene change processing is not mature enough. It is recommended that you read it twice before publishing, and then go into the places that you feel are awkward. This will also help strengthen your writing skills.
There is too little to watch in the plot. One is that your protagonist often follows the plot, but is like a bystander and does not participate at all. The other is that there are too many complaining dialogues - there are too many descriptions and dialogues of other characters, and the sense of presence is too strong, which affects your protagonist.
I know, everyone writes fan fiction out of love_(:з)∠)_
But you have to remember that your Susu is the real protagonist of this article. The existence of other characters is to promote the development of the plot you set, not to follow the original plot or complain about the protagonist.
——By You Jian Chang Ping Pu. Commentator: Xifeng.
The two bosses met... Is it because of the thunder and fire in the sky, do they agree or dislike each other?
(๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧ Like! Suddenly I felt that the boss and the boss were in love togetherˉˉ
I'm here againˉˉI'm so excited to see the two bosses! ! ! ! ! Emma couldn't be more adorable (ฅ>ω<*ฅ)
Σ( ° △ °|||)...... This, this, this! ! ! !
... I feel so depressed when I see it... I feel tired and unlovable. The claw machine is so troublesome.
Susu comes and goes, I really want to eat it in one bite -. -
Wait for the new article! ! The prince is so arrogant 233333
Very meaningful, happy new year
I fell in love with Shuangsu silently, this article won't be a trap╭(╯3╰)╮
I confessed~! Sprinkle flowers~! But hey, what should I do if two Su Sus attack two bosses? The half-length children have become narcissistic, and they are alone. Could it be that they should get together as a couple? I always think that would be scary~!
I can't stand it anymore, it's so confusing, I can't understand it, I don't know what's going on
Why, why is it BE?
Damn, can you go to the Cambrian Annals Bar? All rights will be reserved.
My hard work actually didn't bother me... I'm sad to offend you... Emma, boss, don't be careless and fry Boss Qiao!
The pure game party said with mixed feelings that they would come and take a look...
Great, please update, it looks great
The font size of the copy could be larger. To be honest, girl, you chose this subject, which made me sweat. Because it's too challenging, and I'm a pure game fan, so I have mixed feelings about the TV series_(:з)∠)_ First of all, when I read the first sentence of this article, I came to the conclusion: the description is not appropriate enough. "Su Su looked up and saw that a bright moon was in the sky and wisps of fine clouds were floating by. It was a wonderful scene." Take this sentence for example. "A bright moon was in the sky" lets readers know that it should be night now, but since it is night, how can we see the "wispy clouds" clearly? Even if the moonlight is brighter, it cannot achieve this level. This is a matter of common sense. And "excellent scenery", you didn't reflect this "scenery" at all. When looking at the scenery of a place, in addition to whether there is the sun and moon in the sky, you should also look at the surrounding environment. For example, Susu should be on the street now, and there is a willow tree around which he will meditate next. You did not point it out at all, so when the willow tree appears later, the reader will feel a sense of violation. There are also words such as "Young Master bowed and said respectfully to the two of them." In my impression, Boss Ouyang is a person who will never be "respectful" to others at any time, no matter how gentle and polite he behaves. "He immediately forced himself to straighten his back and meditate, and began to perform exercises to suppress the evil spirit. He knew that this would be of no avail. Pain and crazy thoughts were growing like weeds in his mind." Another question about the description structure. If you read the above paragraph carefully, do you feel a little awkward? After this paragraph, Su Su's memories flashed into my mind, which was completely unnecessary in my opinion. You also wrote before, "Pain and crazy thoughts were growing like wild weeds in his mind." These thoughts refer to "You... Damn..." Rather than Su Su's memories, right? But you happened to insert the memories of Ling Duan, the headmaster, the disciples of Tianyong City, etc. In the middle of this paragraph. It's just like a TV show suddenly inserting an advertisement in the middle. You didn't handle it well, which made people feel very deliberate. In fact, from this memory, I can tell that you want to express a lot, but the text is not animation or TV series. If you want your text to have a visual feel and make readers feel involved, you have to write out what you want to express one by one, rather than directly summarizing the original picture. The next one is a failure in characterization. You just let your protagonist do what the character should do, without thinking about why he did it. Take the middle-aged man who appeared in the first chapter as an example. Su Su's evil spirit broke out. This man appeared, but Su Su refused his help. "'I'm fine.' He gritted his teeth and replied, just hoping that the man would leave quickly." - Why did he let the middle-aged man leave? Because Su Su is actually a very kind person, his evil spirit is about to break out, and he is afraid that he will hurt the middle-aged man, but look back at what you wrote: "Shall I go find a doctor?" The middle-aged man refused to give up. Su Su believed in his good intentions, but there was absolutely no way for the middle-aged man to cure his evil spirit. He struggled to stand up, broke away from the hand that wanted to help him, and staggered forward while muttering: "I'm fine..." Su Su had known for a long time that the evil spirit could not be cured in Tianyong City, so at this time, he would never entertain the idea of whether a middle-aged man could cure the evil spirit. Instead, he was thinking about how to avoid involving the man - so when the man refused to leave, he would take the initiative to "struggle to stand up and break away from the hand that wanted to support him." The other one, Fen Ji, was lost, and Su Su must be very anxious. You didn't describe this anxiety at all. And a truly anxious person will not take the initiative to care about the external environment, and your Susu also sighed that Qingchuan is really lively... Su Su saw Tu Su at the entrance of the alley, and he was still in the mood to think, "He is also looking for a sword?"... I know you wanted to write about the appearance of Tu Su and Qingxue, but your entry point is not appropriate. Next, you also wrote a paragraph about Qingxue and Tu Su's fight, that is, Say, your protagonist Su Su stopped to watch the fight between two passers-by when "Fen Ji was lost" was in a very urgent situation. Even if Su Su felt that the man was similar to himself, he would have to find Fen Ji first before he could think about this, right? Therefore, if you really want Su Su to notice them, you should first notice Fen Ji in Qingxue's hand. Next, Su Su completely forgot about Fen Ji, who she had lost, and took Tu Su away with Qingxue... Let me talk about another thing: the scene change processing is not mature enough. It is recommended that you read it twice before publishing, and then go into the places that you feel are awkward. This will also help strengthen your writing skills. There is too little to watch in the plot. One is that your protagonist often follows the plot, but is like a bystander and does not participate at all. The other is that there are too many complaining dialogues - there are too many descriptions and dialogues of other characters, and the sense of presence is too strong, which affects your protagonist. I know, everyone writes fan fiction out of love_(:з)∠)_ But you have to remember that your Susu is the real protagonist of this article. The existence of other characters is to promote the development of the plot you set, not to follow the original plot or complain about the protagonist. ——By You Jian Chang Ping Pu. Commentator: Xifeng.
QAQ is so excited! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Please follow up! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Please update daily! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Asking for boss X's cp! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! .. Enter v...