My name is Ye Jichuan.
I am twenty-four years old this year. I don't take my father's last name, and I don't take my mother's last name either. The name was given by my grandfather. He probably wanted me to be like a leaf, flowing with the river of the seasons.
My brother's name is Li Eunci. He is the first person I remember. When he hugged me, I was still a newborn baby and didn't understand anything. Later, he sent me to school, cooked for me, and covered my ears when my parents quarreled. He died on the day after my eighteenth birthday. It was me who caused it.
My dad hates me. Because I'm not a girl, because I embarrass him, because I'm nothing in his eyes. Belts, cigarette butts, glass, red wine, he has used them all on me. My mom loves me and hates me. She stepped on my only necklace and broke it, and later cried and said she was sorry for me.
When I was in junior high school, someone pushed me against the wall and put a needle close to my eyes. I was pulled into the toilet in high school. My deskmate, he touched me with a smile and said, "Xiaochuan, you are so beautiful." He has saved me and he has destroyed me.
The voices in my head never stop. Bipolar and PTSD are intolerable to me.
I have a bunch of brothers. Shen Ran would chew my thigh, Chen Qiming didn't talk much but knew everything, and Su Jingzhou would hold me when I collapsed.
There is also Yu Qinchen. He picked me up from the alley and raised me for four years. He is the biggest reason why I am still alive, but I can't tell him.
I hate this world. Hated for twenty-four years.
But I still want everyone to be gentle.
Just like my brother did.
Intent: In reality, there are really people bearing the weight of the ruins, fighting against the abyss on a daily basis.
