Shen Chuying never dared to say "I want it".
As the least visible second child in the family, she was used to being ignored, suppressed and silenced by her grandmother. It wasn't until her sophomore year in high school that she accidentally met a person named Li Mingxi on a forum.
He is four years older than her, a junior in college in Chengdu, gentle and rational, and has clear handwriting.
"You have the right to express your emotions and your feelings are important."
His letters came one after another from Chengdu, unraveling her problems and also unraveling her shell. During the winter and summer vacations, he taught her programming, from beginner to proficient, as if he was teaching her to live her life all over again.
She worked hard to get into Chengdu, came to his university, and stood by his side.
After three years of love, she expressed herself more and more bravely; but he avoided her more and more quietly.
He never mentioned home, never said he was tired, and never showed vulnerability.
She chases, he flees.
After the breakup, she came to the northwest where he grew up to teach with unanswered questions.
From the mouths of colleagues and students, she pieced together his childhood: a stern father, an anxious mother, a closed door, and a silent little boy.
She finally understood: it was not her that he was avoiding, but love itself.
At the same time, his life suffered a heavy blow: his father suffered a heart attack and was hospitalized, and his work project suffered a major setback. He was forced to confront the trauma he had been avoiding and realized that his avoidance patterns left him unable to rely on others and to be dependent on others.
He traveled a twelve-hour drive to the northwest and handed a long handwritten letter among the sea of kelsang flowers:
"I'm still learning how to no longer be afraid of showing vulnerability, still learning how not to let you carry it alone, and still learning how to be loved by you. But this time, I don't want to miss it again."
The wind blew from the northwest plateau, bringing with it rough sand that hit her face painfully, but it couldn't blow away the tears from her eyes.
She looked at the letter and was silent for a long time.
Then she said: "Li Mingxi, we are all in our own shells. I am willing to wait for someone to come out of the shell, but I cannot wait forever."
He was stunned, his eyes burning: "Then I will change... Give me a chance..."
"You have changed." She said softly, "You didn't learn it because you lost me, but you should have learned it before you lost me."
She returned to her dormitory and wrote her last letter:
"Thank you for your company these six years. You taught me that I can wait for someone, but I can't wait forever.
The Gesang flower is beautiful, but it does not need anyone to water it, it will grow by itself.
I'm going back to my city. "
The next day, she left Northwest.
Three years later, Shen Chuying taught in a coastal school to help more girls like her.
She learned from others that Li Mingxi had really learned to change, that he had learned to express vulnerability and to establish deep connections.
But it was too late.
At the bottom of her drawer, there is still the Gesang flower from six years ago.
She no longer needs it, because she herself is the flower blooming in the wind and sand.
Some people show up to make you a better version of yourself, not to keep you together.
Regret is also a kind of beauty.
Intention: Love is a choice after understanding, growth is more important than perfection; some people appear to make you a better version of yourself.