Prisoner of Heart

My diagnosis is filled with the handwriting of fate. First, it was five years of depression that made me sink to the bottom of a lake and see the world as a silent mime. Later, the diagnosis was revised to "bipolar disorder" - I became the deposed and crowned tyrant and prisoner of my own emotional kingdom, rotating between the abyss of depression and the cliff of mania. But the stroke of fate never stopped. It writes "violation", making trust that should be the most secure become the source of violence; it also writes "bullying", making the daily space full of cold needles. From the disintegration of my inner world to the loss of my outer world, I was almost systematically destroyed. This book is the beginning of me taking back my pen. I record the collapse, but also the reconstruction. In psychiatric clinics, on the margins of the law, and on the ruins of human relationships, I learned how to slowly and arduously grow from a "victim" specimen into a scarred but complete "person." If you also feel that you have been written by fate, may this story give you the courage to write. Intent: The "secret games" that started at the age of seven and were named "cleaning the garden" and "woodpecker catching bugs" are not only a tragedy in which a child's body and virginity are violently stolen, but also a complete distortion and blasphemy of the most innocent concepts such as "trust", "love" and "games". The core of this trauma is that the perpetrator has cunningly tampered with the child's cognitive system: Tampering of language: He equates "infringement" with "cleaning" and "catching insects", and packages "pain" as "a part of the game that must be endured." Abuse of trust: He uses his "brother" status, gentle words and material rewards to disguise violence as "love" and "care". Distortion of reality: He uses "bug blood" to explain real trauma, forcibly stitching together the child's disconnected perception of pain, bleeding, and game rewards. Therefore, the purpose of this experience is far more than individual pain, but profoundly reveals a more hidden form of violence - it does not directly display terror, but uses lies to construct a seemingly reasonable and even "caring" context for the harm. It makes the victim not only physically violated, but also mentally confused about self-perception: confused about love, confused about pain, and confused about his own feelings. This "secret game" eventually planted a poisonous weed in the victim's heart: "Closeness equals danger, reward requires enduring pain, and the deepest hurt often comes in the name of the most 'gentle'."