In the spring of 2025, my life is painful.
My body is tortured by old illnesses and I feel like nothing is good about me.
Like a tank full of cracks, it can't hold any rain.
*
The most painful time is when you are a walking dead.
I wrote many beginnings.
But there is no opening chapter that satisfies me. They don't seem to be written by me, and I can't even say I like them.
Later, I had to give up and it became garbage in the draft box. For a long time, I didn't even dare to look back.
*
When I was writing this story, I was not aware of my biggest problem, including the first 70,000 words of "My Ex-Husband Is the World-Destroying Demon", which I also wrote with extreme anxiety and pain.
All I know is that it's painful to write every day, and I even wonder if I'm the least talented person.
I have been tortured by huge self-doubt for two years, and I feel miserable day and night.
Repeatedly denying yourself, overturning and starting over again, with no end in sight.
There may also be some factors of eagerness for success that lead to my inability to accept my own mediocrity and failure.
Until one day, I suddenly stopped thinking about writing, cried a lot in darkness, and slept for several days and nights.
*
I decided to take a break, which lasted for several months.
Now is the spring of 2026. I have looked away from many people and many things. I will not force or pursue so-called good results.
Whether happy or sad, whether together or apart, it is a unique experience in my life.
Although I have been confused or even lost, and I have stumbled along the way, it doesn't matter. I don't blame anyone, including myself.
Just think that all encounters and separations in the world have a stroke of fate and are never entirely determined by people.
*
Writing these words is actually to give myself an explanation and to make a record.
Many years later, when I look back at this period at the beginning of my writing career in Jinjiang, many details may have been blurred by time, but fortunately there are still these traces, which let me know that no matter how difficult or painful, whether sad or happy, I gritted my teeth and persevered.
The ordinary years I have spent may not have such magnificent special significance, but I am very satisfied and happy to be born as a human being and to be able to live for myself.
Thank you for all the light and faith I have seen, which makes me no longer afraid of darkness and despair.
*2026/3/23
Purpose: Mood is always your most precious life experience
