I woke up hungover and became Manchester United manager.
In the locker room, the superstars kicked the tactical board to pieces: "What do you know about football, you nerd?"
After winning the first round by misjudgment, I silently opened the statistical model - "The data shows that there is an 83% probability that the left winger will physically collapse in the 67th minute."
They laughed at me for relying on luck, until the youth player I replaced scored a stoppage-time winner.
The troublemakers panicked, and when my system accurately predicted every goal, the entire Premier League was trembling.
"Who are you?" The reporter asked.
I pointed at the standings of the return to the Champions League and smiled: "A PhD in statistics, that's all."
