The Moon of Days Gone By

[Contemporary Relationships + Youthful Heartbreak + Marital Growth + First Person + Heart-Wrenching]

I don't know when going home became something that required courage.

I have a thoughtful wife, a daughter in middle school, and a steady job. In everyone's eyes, there's nothing to complain about in my life.

But I have a secret.

A secret hidden in a rental apartment in the urban village. An affair that has lasted two years. An escape whose reason for continuing I can't even explain to myself.

I try to remember how I ended up here.

I think of the girl who sat by the window in middle school. Back then, she wasn't my wife yet. She was the light I watched from across the classroom.

I think of the girl in the art studio who borrowed an eraser. I gave her the most expensive chocolate I could find, and got a “thank you” in return.

I think of all the people I let down, all the ones I missed, and all the ones I never truly managed to hold on to.

It turns out I've been repeating the same pattern all along: I yearn for what I can't have, and stop cherishing it once I do.

And the person waiting for me in that rented apartment wants more than two meetings a week.

My wife has started wearing makeup. The first gift I ever gave my daughter has appeared in her schoolbag.

How many more times can I push open that rusty iron door?