Hu Chaoxi has known since he was a child that his feelings are wrong.
Her father said she thought too much, and her brother said she was too sensitive. She learned to use giggles, silence, sarcasm, and flattery to survive, but she never learned to directly say it hurt.
Until I met Li Jin.
He is the driftwood she fished out when she was drowning, and he is also the subject of her experiment to repeatedly verify whether you will leave. She pushed him away and pulled him back, laughing crazily and choking until she choked in the middle of the night. She needed him to keep saying I love you and confirm in his tired eyes that he was really leaving.
Can you be more mature?
She was going through a silent meltdown when he said this. The emotions came too violently and the words came too slowly. She opened her mouth and finally just smiled. That smile was uglier than crying, but he had already turned around and played games.
This is not a story about a lesbian and a straight man.
This is the story of a highly sensitive person who grew up in a secret room that favored boys over girls, was deprived of the right to anger, was trained as a lie detector, was suppressed by his brother who copied his father, and was forever defined as wrong by his hypocritical father.
It is also a story about aphasia. When language is systematically deprived of language, the body can only revolt with madness, giggles, sarcasm, and silence.
If you are suddenly speechless when the emotion strikes, you can only use emoticons or I'm pretty good to cover it up. If you also repeatedly verify whether you love me or not, and hate your own greed. If you are also high and low in intimacy, pushing and begging. If you also have an unstated but ubiquitous patriarchal family, a brother who is good for you, and a father who always makes you doubt yourself.
