Underworld: From the Start, My Childhood Friend Came at Me with a Knife

Here's the bottom line: Never let a high-IQ lunatic into northern Myanmar, or even the compound bosses will call the police! The good news: I've come to northern Myanmar to ransom my cousin. The bad news: I don't have enough money, my cousin's wife is terrifying, and now I'm being held here too. The central conflict: They want to harvest my kidneys; I want to harvest their brains. [Scene One] Description: The supervisor threatens me with a stun baton and orders me to run scams. If I miss my target, he'll lock me in the water dungeon. What I do: I write an AI program that handles sales chats automatically, and bring in over ten million in an hour. Unexpected result: The supervisor drops to his knees and calls me his grandmaster, begging me not to hack into his Swiss bank account. Others' reaction: Everyone: "..." [Scene Two] Description: My gorgeous cousin-in-law comes to inspect my room late at night, trying to use her charms to make me sign a contract selling myself into servitude. What I do: I spend the whole night discussing game theory and all kinds of variations on Stockholm syndrome with her. Unexpected result: She cries as she slips me the key to escape, begging me to hurry and leave because she's afraid she can't keep up with me. Others' reaction: My cousin: "Wait, I told you to come rescue me! Why are you giving my wife a lecture?!" [Scene Three] Description: The compound boss plans to sell me to a medical ship in international waters. What I do: I cobble together a signal transmitter from half a battery and a radio, then call Interpol. Unexpected result: As he's being arrested, the boss is still asking if I'm a foreign agent. I'm actually just a physics teacher. Others' reaction: Officer: "That's it? We haven't even stormed the place yet!"