Thirty-five years old: ten attempts at graduate school entrance exams, five provincial civil service exams, two national civil service exams, five public institution exams, and one state-owned enterprise exam. These aren't impressive achievements. They're the “stains of failure” etched into my life's resume.
Now I huddle in a cubicle at a state-owned enterprise, clinging to a steady salary of 3,300 yuan and living a life of “stable poverty.” I have no connections or family background, and I'm awkward and inarticulate. I want to change, but I keep getting trapped between regret late at night and lying flat during the day.
Mortgage and car payments weigh on my shoulders, while my parents and children depend on me. This diary lays bare every bit of a middle-aged man's hardship and anxiety. Deleting games, quitting mindless phone scrolling, forcing myself to exercise, picking up the civil service exam books again... This isn't a triumphant comeback story. It's a failure's self-examination, a clumsy but stubborn battle to break through in middle age.
[A Few Rambling Thoughts] A record of genuine feelings, written with the simple aim of reflecting every day and pushing myself to improve. This is my first time writing a novel. Readers, feel free to keep me accountable and tell me what you think. Let's see if I can play this terrible hand into something different!
