The World's Biggest Arms Dealer, Starting with Five-Star Reviews

I'm Jiang Fan, a professional online reviewer. Five-star reviews are my specialty.

That is, until one day, a "Rate Everything" app appeared on my phone.

On a whim, I gave a brick a glowing review:

[Warm and smooth to the touch, with an antique sheen. Comes with built-in navigation and never misses its mark. The first ancient divine weapon for today's youth!]

The next second, my enemies showed up. In a panic, I threw it, and the brick automatically made eighteen turns before landing a perfect headshot!

I wrote a glowing review for a bottle of mineral water:

[Sweet and refreshing, sourced from the Nine Heavens and brimming with the essence of life. A single drop can extend a mortal's life by a hundred years!]

The dying richest man in the country took one sip, stood up in the ICU, and performed a set of military exercises on the spot!

I gave the balance in my bank account a glowing review:

[The number may be small, but its potential is limitless. It can multiply indefinitely and self-replicate, making it the mother of all fortunes!]

The next day, deposit notifications from the bank flooded my phone until it crashed!

From then on, I took the road of saving the world by bragging, and getting rich along the way.

Don't mess with me, or I'll immediately write a bad review for your toilet: [Devours everything and connects to another world]!