Journey to the West: From the Start, I Refused to Make the Pilgrimage

I transmigrated into Tang Sanzang and opened my eyes at the grand Buddhist ceremony in the Great Tang.

Guanyin Bodhisattva had just revealed her golden form and was waiting for me to accept the pilgrimage with a stirring speech.

The entire court and Li Shimin watched me expectantly.

I pushed away the Brocade Kasaya and Nine-Ringed Monk’s Staff, pressed my palms together toward the bodhisattva, and said:

“The Western Heaven is far away, and demons run rampant. This disciple is only mortal flesh and blood, so I fear I’m not up to the task. My Buddha is compassionate. Could you pay me in cash instead?”

The whole hall fell silent. The bodhisattva’s golden form swayed three times.

From then on, the Journey to the West went completely off the rails.

I set up a “Great Tang Crash Course in Buddhism,” and the incense money poured in.

I used a Headband Curse app to track Sun Wukong’s attendance, tying his performance review to his alms-collecting bonus.

In the Kingdom of Women, I attracted investors and developed the Mother-Child River into a top-tier tourist attraction.

When I used the Great Tang’s GDP to crush Mount Lingshan’s incense revenue report, the Buddha finally couldn’t sit still.

He came to Chang’an in person, looking conflicted. “Golden Cicada, what exactly are you trying to do?”

I handed him a copy of the Treaty on Friendly Trade Between the Eastern and Western Heavens and Shared Intellectual Property Rights in Buddhism, and smiled.

“Master, fetching the scriptures takes too long. Why don’t we just merge and go public?”