A Wild Rewrite of the Three Kingdoms: It All Starts with “Same Here!”

In Zhuo County, there was a man named Liu Bei who looked born to be the protagonist: eight feet tall, with ears hanging down to his shoulders and arms reaching past his knees. He was practically an orangutan, able to grab things without even getting up. Supposedly, his ancestors included Emperor Jing of Han, but the family had fallen on hard times, so he scraped by selling straw sandals and weaving mats. He was basically “a down-and-out royal influencer.” When hawking his wares, he’d shout, “Handmade straw sandals by a descendant of Emperor Jing! Wear them and you’ll get a taste of imperial fortune! Ten coins a pair, and buy two pairs to get insoles free!” He read the recruitment notice and couldn’t help sighing. Suddenly, a thunderous voice boomed behind him: “If you’re a real man, why aren’t you enlisting to fight? What are you sighing about? Can sighs fill your stomach or fight the rebels?” Liu Bei turned around and, good heavens, the man was eight feet tall, with a leopard’s head, round eyes, a swallow’s jaw, and a tiger’s whiskers. His voice was like thunder, leaving Liu Bei’s ears ringing. It was Zhang Fei, courtesy name Yide. Zhang Fei’s family ran a tavern and butcher shop, making him a bona fide “rich second-generation heir of Zhuo Commandery.” His daily routine was “slaughter pigs, sell wine, make friends,” and he loved befriending heroes. When he heard Liu Bei wanted to serve his country, he thumped his chest and said, “I’ll pay! I’ll bring the men! Let’s do something big, brother. You can be the boss, and I’ll be your bodyguard!” While the two were drinking, another burly man barged in. He was nine feet tall, with a face red as a jujube, a two-foot beard, phoenix eyes, and silkworm brows. He had an unmistakable “stay away from me” aura. It was Guan Yu, courtesy name Yunchang. Guan Yu had killed a local tyrant for standing up for the oppressed and had been on the run for five or six years, making a living through hard labor. Hearing about the recruitment, he hurried over to join them. The three hit it off, and went straight to the peach orchard behind Zhang Fei’s estate to swear brotherhood, showing that when fate brings people together, nothing can stand in its way.