Your Majesty, Your Cultivation KPI Is at the Bottom Again!

I, Zhang Wei, was an overworked corporate drone at a major internet company who suddenly dropped dead after working overtime to revise PowerPoint slides nonstop.

When I opened my eyes again, I had somehow become the Jade Emperor, supreme ruler of the Three Realms.

I thought I could finally enjoy a peaceful retirement, “commanding the world below and sleeping off a feast beside the Jade Pool.”

But then I discovered that the Immortal Realm was a complete mess!

Taibai Jinxing had been fishing for koi with his horsetail whisk for three hundred years straight.

The Pagoda-Bearing Heavenly King used the Haotian Mirror to follow a tearjerker drama serialized in the mortal world, and cried even harder than the Queen Mother.

The most outrageous was the Great Sage Equal to Heaven. After returning from his pilgrimage, he opened a “Huaguoshan Holiday Resort” beside the Peach Garden and spent every day coaxing the immortals into sampling “rustic farm stays in an unspoiled setting”!

The entire Heavenly Court reeked of clocking in for a paycheck and coasting into retirement.

That is, until I discovered a dusty glazed wall in a corner of the Hall of Miraculous Mist.

Written on it in bold was: “Annual Three Realms KPI Performance Rankings.”

My Heavenly Court had come in dead last.

The reason: faith conversion rates kept falling, incense revenue had plunged 80 percent year over year, and we were far behind the Western Paradise Co., Ltd. and the Hell Demon Performance Group.

The competitive spirit of a workaholic blazed to life inside me!

I summoned all the immortals overnight and held the “First Three Realms Performance Sprint Conference.”

At the meeting, I unveiled the PowerPoint I had prepared overnight and lamented with heartfelt indignation:

“Fellow immortals! Look at these numbers! Our core business, the ‘Blessings’ module, has a user satisfaction rating of only three stars!”

“Thunder Department! You strike more crooked trees than evil spirits! Where’s your accuracy?”

“Matchmaker! Your red threads have the highest complaint rate! When is the ‘Scumbag Detection Algorithm’ finally going live?!”

“We need to build a standardized, streamlined...