I Was a Double Agent for the US and Soviets, Yet Both Sides Spoiled Me Rotten

My name is Chen Yan. I was an honorable community police officer in the 21st century, specializing in dealing with troublemakers and mediating fights between neighborhood aunties.

Who would have thought that I'd wake up in the body of an American college student in 1981, recruited by the KGB?

I was just about to grab my things and run when an FBI agent clapped me on the shoulder and said, “Kid, the Bureau has high hopes for you. Go work as a double agent for the Yanks!”

Me: “...” Is it too late to go back and break up a square-dancing dispute?

To stay alive, I had no choice but to bring out my signature skill: smoothing things over!

The intel I gave the KGB was a chart of market prices that I'd analyzed in Excel. My superior commented, “A unique insight, laying bare the rot of capitalism!”

The report I gave the FBI was an essay I'd written in Word, “On the Ideological Infiltration of Soviet Square Dancing.” My boss praised it: “A fresh perspective, striking right at the enemy's cultural weak spot!”

With my talent for empty rhetoric and muddling through office life, I coasted along in both intelligence agencies.

Just as I was about to become a retired old bureaucrat, the bosses on both sides came looking for me at the same time.

The KGB general put an arm around me. “Comrade, the organization has decided to teach you everything we know and give you an island!”

The FBI director grabbed my hand. “Darling, stop hanging around with those Russkies. Come work for me, and I'll make you deputy director!”

Watching them compete for my favor, I fell into deep thought.

Oh no. This persona of a peerless genius, disguised with neighborhood committee tactics, seems to have...