Lu Bu: I’m Done Being a Brute

Lu Bu: I’m Done Being a Brawler

I woke up as Lu Bu, the fiercest man in the Three Kingdoms, just as I was waiting to be beheaded beneath the White Gate Tower.

Liu Bei’s words, “Have you forgotten what happened to Ding Jianyang and Dong Zhuo?” were still ringing in my ears. I suddenly raised my bound hands:

“Boss Cao! Killing me will get you no more than a figurine. Put me to work and I’ll unlock the walkthrough for the Guandu campaign!”

And so, the Three Kingdoms took a bizarre turn:

I set KPIs for the Trapped-Camp Army and made Zhang Liao’s cavalry earn Mandarin certificates;

In prison, I conducted germ research with Hua Tuo and gave Cao Cao head massages to ease his migraines;

I used SWOT analysis to help Cao Cao cheat, while secretly assessing the talent in Yuan Shao’s camp.

While the warlords were still fighting over territory, I had already founded the “Lu Bu Happiness Economy”:

Using a hot pot association to crush enemy morale, performance reviews to assess trusted generals, and a “Non-Aggression Treaty” in place of my Sky Piercer Halberd.

After leaving, things got even more ridiculous:

I promoted potato farming at my base and started crash courses in pinyin for illiterate generals;

During the Battle of Red Cliffs, I gave live commentary from a hot-air balloon and delivered a “Proposal for Postwar Regional Cooperation and Development” to both sides;

When Cao Cao realized his men were sneaking drinks of “Lu Bu’s Tipsy Brew,” and Sun Quan found his generals passing around Three Kingdoms fan fiction...

I was using PowerPoint to pitch to the whole world:

“Ladies and gentlemen, stop working yourselves to the bone! I’ve got a golden-age project for people with more than enough to eat. Investment slots are limited, so hop aboard now!”

The Sky Piercer Halberd? I turned it into a pointer long ago.

In this chaotic age, I’ll conquer with KPIs and let GDP do the talking!